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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Ultimate Bad Karma Move

"Ummmmmm, yeah... My, uh... Daughter died... Yep, stone-fucking dead. In Costa Rica... Yesterday... Not sure... I'll know more when I get there... Yes - I will need to take a couple of weeks off to go to Costa Rica. To deal with this... The death of my daugher. There. In Costa Rica..."

I paraphrase, of course, but this tragic telephone call actually took place. Tragic, that is, until you learn that nobody actually died in Costa Rica that day.* This lady actually called her boss and used a fake story about her daughter's death to finagle a vacation to Costa Rica. Now, I don't know about you, but I am not altogether comfortable throwing around talk about my daughters' demise unless it is absolutely true. I just think it is poor form. For instance, which child do you choose to cast to her imaginary death. I don't think there is a good choice here, if you are the parent of more than one offspring, unless you actually do have one really shitty kid. And if you are the parent of a single child, just remember you can only use this excuse once - make certain it is for a good cause.

And God forbid your child should learn of your little fib. I can only imagine what kind of self-esteem issues this might jar loose in a child, depending on how old the child is. On the plus side, if you have an infant, you could probably imaginarily kill it off, then bring it to a company picnic the next year and pass it off as adopted. Just sayin'.

And imagine how crummy you would feel if your daughter died the next week, of an overdose of ecstasy, having thrown a wild rave party, during which your home was summarily burned to the ground, while you were vactioning in Costa Rica. Pretty darned crummy, that's how crummy. It's not only bad form, it is bad karma, bad kris-kris and bad joo-joo. You make up an ill-conceived, sinister lie like this to get out of work, you can bet your bottom dollar that something bad is bound to come back to bite you in your conniving backside.

That said, I have thought about this and there might be some lies you could tell to get out of work and onto an airplane headed to a sunny beach without bringing a dark cloud of sinistericity to hang over your beach towel and Mai Thai.

The Mai Thai - Delicious!

If you need to lie to get out of work to take a Costa Rican vacation, please try one of these untruths - it will make you feel better about yourself than throwing one of your kids under the imaginary speeding bus:

1) "I need some 'Me' time. If I don't get out of this office for a couple of weeks and under a beach umbrella by tomorrow afternoon, I swear to God and everything Holy, I will blow my fucking head off in the break-room..." (Optional): "And I'm gonna take a few of you with me..."

This is the direct approach. It is effective and will usually get you the time off. If you choose to add the optional sentence, you may spend some additional time in the pokey - use only if necessary.

2) "My ___________ (Aunt/Uncle/Childhood Friend/Pet/Boss from another job) is in the hospital. I'm the only one they have. It doesn't look good and this should be over (sob, if possible) pretty quickly, from what the doctor says..."

While this may seem like it smacks of "my daughter died in Costa Rica", notice the subtle differences: The terminal subject can be fictional - "Uncle Shamus" was always my favorite. You are not gathering karmic retribution by sending Shamus to an untimely and unexpected death. And he was so young. And by having the subject be in the hospital, this vacation can be dragged out as long as needed to cultivate an even tan. As a bonus, if you use "boss from another job", your current boss will be aware that should he or she ever end up terminally ill in a hospital bed all alone, you would undoubtedly be there to comfort him/her in their lonely final days and tell funny stories about co-workers to brighten their spirits.

For short-term time off, for baseball games, rounds of golf or just an afternoon in a dark saloon, try the following (little or no bad karma at all):

1) Toothache - when spoken to, glance up as if in pain and nod or shake your head. Do not open your mouth to speak. If asked why you aren't talking, pass a shaky, handwritten note to the effect of "My tooth feels as if a frigid kiss of death from some Viking Hell drives through my very soul the instant open air touches its frayed, naked nerve-endings". You don't have to be this flowery, but it helps.

2) Menstrual Cramps - Ladies, this goes without saying. Fellas, it'll work for you, too. Ladies wish their husbands would care enough to leave work to care for their war-torn ovaries and guys know what their wives are like, so this will work for either gender of supervisor.

3) Poopy-Pants. Enough said.

You're welcome. And please feel free to give me your own suggestions. We will re-visit as necessary. Dr. Ford, out.

*Somebody might have died in Costa Rica that day. In fact, I am relatively certain that somebody died in Costa Rica that day, probably at least three by drowning alone, not even counting shark-bite, stingray mishap or being beaten to death by a drunken, angry Costa Rican. But nobody in the caller's family died in Costa Rica that day - this much is certain.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness! I can't believe that there are people like that out in the world who will use their daughter as an excuse to get out of work. I have lied about not being at work before, but this is an all time low. I have used the typical "I am throwing up" in the past, but would never fake a death. I am going to look for costa rica vacation rentals and see if I can find a place where they will take me forever. Costa Rica is beautiful. I need to go back!