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Monday, January 9, 2012
Elin Nordegren - The New Elvis
Tiger Woods' ex-wife has managed to make Elvis Presley look like a milquetoast - and with Elvis's penchant for destruction, that takes some serious effort.
Presley was legendary for shooting out television sets. These were the old-school, two-hundred pound console-numbers with picture tubes the size of a Mercury Space Capsule. Elvis once shot a TV for having the audacity of airing a show that featured Robert Goulet singing. "I hate that son of a bitch," Elvis told his posse, who I assume then proceeded to hate Goulet as well. I can only imagine what Elvis would do to these huge, HD, seventy-two inch flatscreens we have nowadays. Of course, I imagine Elvis would have been diligent in upgrading his weaponry to keep up with the televisions. He would no-doubt be blowing these massive, flatscreen beauties off his rumpus-room wall and to the fiery gates of hell with a G36-K.
Presley once bought a house to burn down. While the house was on fire, he and one of his minions hopped up on a couple of bulldozers and plowed the burning building to the ground. At one point, Elvis pushed his lacky's smaller bulldozer into the flames for fun. I'm sure he bought the man a Cadillac after the incident. Elvis was the King of Destruction as well as the King of Rock and Roll. It was a true gift.
These efforts are little more than mischievous pranks compared to the one-woman wrecking crew that is Elin Nordegren. Over the past year or so, she has gone from maintaining an image of the squeaky-clean, mother-of-two, supportive wife of Tiger Woods, arguably one of the most recognizable, rich, successful and winning celebrity athletes on the planet, to the strong, self-confident, beautiful ex-wife of Tiger Woods whose only wish was to take her 16 bazillion-dollar divorce settlement and quietly go off to raise her kids and live in luxurious privacy for the rest of her brilliant, strong, self-confident life.
There were underpinnings of destruction just under the surface of those clear blue Swedish eyes. The first hint of her willingness to free the beast came a year ago this past Thanksgiving, when rumor has it, she chased her husband down the driveway and beat his ass and his Escalade's ass with a golf club after learning of his marital indiscretions. A very nice start. It was but a cleaning of her brilliant, strong, self-confident palate.
Apparently, once the taste for violent destruction rears its ugly head, it is a powerful master. Elin recently purchased a twelve-million dollar, 9000 sq.ft., 6-bedroom, 8-bath masnion in North Palm Beach , Florida. And promptly had it razed. Huzzah! A masterful, world-class example of the frittering away of seven-figure mad-money that no doubt left her ex-husband a little teary-eyed, contemplating all the private jets, luxury hotel rooms, hookers, porn stars and cocktail waitresses twelve-million dollars could supply.
When I first saw this story, I assumed it was the house the two had shared when they were married, in which case, I wholeheartedly agreed with its destruction. Burn the bastard! I thought to myself - and more power to you! But apparently this is not the case. She simply decided that the current mansion simply didn't pass muster, so she had it destroyed, immediately passing Elvis and approaching Howard Hughes on the "useless waste of disposable income" ladder.
Of course, this scenario would be much more impressive if Elin herself was manning one of the dozers, 9-iron in hand, directing the proceedings like an orchestra conductor, or General Patton. Delegation of the project takes away a couple of points for hands-on destruction, but then again, it is one of the hallmarks of strong management.
There may be a career in mass-destruction for Miss Nordegren, if she ever desires to venture forth from the Shangri-La she is certain to construct on the site of her twelve-million dollar "Ground Zero" - or she could probably manage a mass-destruction team from behind its golden walls. I look forward to seeing how it all shakes out, but the grandeur of the thing makes me wistful for a simpler time - a time of handguns and picture tubes and bulldozers and fire. Old-school rolling up of the sleeves and dirtying one's hands. Sometimes I just miss Elvis's way of getting things done...
Update: (From Yahoo News) "It turns out that there was a pretty good reason for razing the estate: termites. A report in People magazine indicated that the 1920s-era mansion fell short of current hurricane safety codes, and combined with a termite infestation, that was enough to warrant blasting it down to the sand."
The update was released just before this blog's publication.
Well, it looks like Elvis is still the King.