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Friday, January 20, 2012

This Week's News - Desperate Times

I was skimming the news and saw a story that caught my eye - as most stories featuring women who are offering sex for something tend to do. This one was about a lady who was loitering by a McDonalds drive-thru, offering up sex for McNuggets. What?! First of all, how many orders of McNuggets would you have to order to get the sex? I'm sure you would want to order enough McNuggets that it would take the McDonalds at least fifteen minutes to prepare. Ten, if you were going to be late getting back to work. Secondly, where the hell am I when the women are hanging out offering sex for McNuggets? I'm no philanderer, by any stretch of the imagination - not a successful philanderer, anyhow - but I do appreciate the value of a bargain. Next time, it might make more sense to advertise a little bit - it would no-doubt benefit not only the lady looking to satisfy her McNugget-jones and the lucky eatery, but also those who appreciate the value of a bargain. Just sayin'.

Another story told of a woman who - shocker - offered up herself for sex to pay off a pawn debt. And her daughter - she offered up her daughter, too. What must she have pawned? I asked myself. That was so valuable that she would offer up this perverted menage-a-tois? A diamond tierra? A 1929 Rolls Royce Phantom once owned by Marlene Dietrich? The secret to cold nuclear fusion? A bust of Kitty Carlisle cast in solid gold? I read on. It turned out that she had pawned a laptop and needed to make a twenty-five dollar payment to keep it off the shelves. Oh, and her daughter was only nine years-old. Oops. A prediction from yours-truly that you can take to the bank: This will end poorly.

I was completely unaware that sex had become such a cheap commodity. Why, back in the day, it was a distant, beautiful treasure that was earned, usually through dogged diligence and money well-spent on dinner, movies, cheap liquor and condoms. Should one skimp on one or more of these time-tested ingredients for sexual conquest, one would most likely do without, having disrupted the delicate conquest-balance. A witty repartee and a nice cologne didn't hurt. And once sex with the object of one's desires had been obtained, one usually kept paying and paying - not just in dollars and cents, but in hours, days and months trying to figure a means of escape from the relationship through trickery, divorce or by following the nearly flawless FBI blueprint for witness-protection programs. Yes, it was an expensive proposition indeed. But after all, the conquest was the thing.

Now, the conquest is worth nothing more than a bag of greasy, deep-fried chicken-paste. Such are the times we live in. Granted, I will be perusing the flyers in this weekend's Sunday papers for McDonald's coupons and keeping my eye out for clever advertisements regarding "Back Seat Carwash" specials and "Cut-Rate McMUFFins".

The conquest is the thing, and these are indeed desperate times. And I certainly appreciate the value of a bargain.

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