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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Note: To the Facilities Dept. of The Anonymous Fortune 500 Company

To Whom It May Concern,

In regard to my previous note (see blog of Oct. 29, 2011), I appreciate your unflagging and dogged attention to the safety and well-being of your employees. Having nearly been gassed to death in a freak automatic-air-freshener mishap, I was delighted to make a note on my Three Stooges desk calendar that for two years, our restroom had remained automatic-air-freshener-free. December came and went and I had not been subjected to the deadly spray, which had previously caused me temporary blindness and probably permanently damaged my ability to produce active, healthy sperm.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into the vestibule housing the restrooms and was greeted by the oh-so-familiar citrus scent of the dreaded Zyklon-B Automatic-Air-Freshener. I could not spot the air freshener because my eyes immediately burst into tears and perhaps bled a litte around the corners. Although I could not see the contraption, I am certain in my heart that it must have been drastically oversized for the tiny vestibule, perhaps more suited for a 50,000 sq. ft. chicken slaughterhouse. It was like using a bazooka to kill a fly. I was immediately overwhelmed by the spray and tried to scream, but the sound died in my throat, which had constricted in a last feeble spasm of self-preservation.

I fell to my knees, crawled to the door and grasped the knob with a pale, trembling hand. The door opened and I fell through, gasping for fresh air as the door shut behind me, sealing the deadly gas inside. "Jeeesush Chrisht," I moaned and stumbled to my desk, where I promptly vomited in my garbage can. I felt bad for the night cleanup crew, but I was alive, by God - I WAS ALIVE!

I can only think that perhaps you were under pressure from some devious health inspector who was apparently immune to your attempts at bribery and that my previous note had caused you to think twice about the placement of the fresheners. However, I cannot imagine any reason for installing the Zyklon Blasters in the vestibule - once again, it seems as if someone has overlooked the purpose of the freshener, which is to cover the odor of the goings-on inside the stalls. Not the urinals and certainly not in the hallway outside the restrooms. WHO SHITS IN THE HALLWAY?

I sincerely hope that you reconsider the removal of these high-powered dispensers and increase the amount of money with which you attempted to bribe the health inspector. I, for one, would be delighted to take up a collection in my area of the building and would gladly turn over every cent of the money which hasn't been used to restore my eyesight and ability to reproduce.

As always, your hard work is appreciated and once again, if there is anything I can do to assist with this or any other pending matter, please do not hesitate to contact me at either my extension or the emergency room, where I will be for the next 6-7 hours.


Jerry Ford


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