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Friday, January 27, 2012

Fire Ants - Little Alien Invaders

I am notoriously suspicious of nature. I have no love for the sea or the creatures which inhabit it - they are no more than vicious schools of predatory underwater fiends in my eyes. I have little more trust in the animals which walk the land side by side with we humans. Monkeys are not trustworthy, elephants will stomp a man and a healthy variety of reptiles, insects and winged creatures are inevitably ready to pick us apart when we drop.

I saw a program on the television - one of the nature channels that I try to avoid, for obvious reasons of irrational paranoia - about the killer bees from Africa that some dumbass brought back to the Americas because they made the most delectible honey. They were also gentically disposed to protect themselves against the heat of the African desert and the Goddamn honey badger that Randall is so crazy about. This made the bees not only the makers of delectible honey, but tireless workaholics with a leaning toward the aggressive.

So, eventually, these surly little striped, flying minions of Satan were winging their way across the American continent and have now become an integral part of our eco-system and my inner-most fear-center. I trust bees slightly less than alligators.

But I am not writing about bees this evening.

After the bee-documentary, there was a show about the Goddamned fire-ants. This is why I avoid the animal channels. I once got sucked into an afternoon of the show "Fatal Attractions", which I thought might provide me a glimpse of Glenn Close without her top on and turned out to be a program about simpletons who hoarded various deadly beasts and were eventually mauled and eaten by their "pets". Nightmares for weeks. Anyhow, these fire ants are another of God's Deadly Juggernauts, created to simply destroy anything in their path, for the betterment of the queen. Kind of like Victorian Great Britain when it came to sexuality, ideals and common sense. But I digress.

I was appalled to learn that these little bastards will ravage farms, animals or whatever the hell gets in their way. You can't even drown them with flooding - they will band together and form their own little deadly ant-raft and float until they come to a safer harbor - which they will in turn ravage. I had the unfortunate luck to watch that stiff Keanu Reeves in the ill-advised remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and all I could think of was the alien dust-cloud that disentigrated everything in it touched.

Which led me to think: Ants are from another planet, sent to destroy mankind - they just happen to be too small, so it's gonna take awhile... It makes sense - I've seen the shows - we've been visited, probably colonized and definitely anal-probed by alien life much smarter and more advanced and kinkier than us. We always point to ancient wall-carvings and heiroglyphics showing people in rockets, wearing space-suits and stuff. Who's to say they didn't drop off a couple of barrels of fire ants (and killer bees and honey badgers, while they were at it) to bring on The End of Days? Crop circles: created by super-intelligent ant-armies. Stonehenge - super-strong ant-slaves, aided by killer honey bees.

It all makes sense. I think the aliens just made one mistake - when they were looking at taking over our planet and harvesting their insect-forces, they got the math wrong and simply made them too small. What should have been accomplished in about three weeks with eight-foot long fire-ants has thus far taken a couple of hundred years, with another couple of hundred years of good solid effort to come on the part of the ants and the bees and the badgers.

When I am King, we shall immediately institute a Fire-Ant/Killer Bee/Honey Badger Plan, which will include much fire. This is our only hope. Trust me on this one. Don't go with the dumbass who says the good will be lifted to heaven via Rapture, go instead with King Jerry, who will save the world from the Alien Insect Invasion.

Vote Jerry for King in the upcoming election. It's a write-in vote, but it's worth the lead.

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