Monday, August 09, 2010
Writers Block and The New Hawaii Five-0
Current mood: Disgusted
Sometimes working on a book can be gratifying. The solitary hours spent staring into a computer screen can create magic and beauty. Other times, however, it is akin to playing solitaire with a half-deck of cards. There is no winning, there is no gratification. This weekend was one of those… I wrote precisely three sentences. Of course, these sentences were brilliant, but my dire lack of total output was discouraging. So I watched golf and baseball and took a couple of long walks with the ugly dog, hoping it would get lost, to no avail. Unfortunately, we both made our way home – the dog to its bed, me to the unforgiving stare of the computer monitor.
I have a white board that hangs by my work area, on which I jot ideas to be explored in the story on which I am working. These notes are written in dry-erase marker – and it is a good thing, because sometimes I find them useless and they must be destroyed. I also jot down the low score I attain on Spider Solitaire, which I am always trying to better when the ideas are slow in their germination. I recently moved my guitars and the dartboard into the office where I now work, to further provide me solace when the words will not come. Some might call it distraction, I do not. I call it comfort. The guitars the darts, the television, the Spider Solitaire and the Scotch. I have also moved the Scotch to the office. This is not only bound to help me trudge forward, it will be a handy room in case of attack. I may bring in some snacks for fortification, but this idea is currently only "under consideration" by the management. Since I am the sole member of management and staff, I would assume that it is only a matter of time before the office also sports a fine selection of chips, nuts and candies. I will still have to shuttle to the kitchen to obtain beer, but resolving this inconvenience should be on the docket with management soon.
My temporary writer’s block is not why I am penning this missive, however. I am writing because not only am I apparently unable to proceed with The Dark Bond of Sin – the latest in the Brad Chambers mystery/adventure series, available at lulu.com – I am perturbed by the fact that there is a “new” show coming to the television airwaves. Had it not been for my literary malaise, I may have never been aware of this latest creation of the programming geniuses that have continued to inhabit the catbird seats of the television networks. Yes, apparently “Hawaii Five-0” is coming soon to the small screen. Seriously, Danno will be booking them shortly with a new cast and a younger look. Really? What the fuck? I have seen “Starsky and Hutch”, “Charlie’s Angels” and “The Land That Fucking Time Forgot” recreated for the big screen from their original television incarnations, and these were some of the most pathetic offerings ever aired on TV and their movie remakes were nothing short of insulting. “Star Trek”, “The Brady Bunch” and “Battlestar Galactica” have also made their miserable way back to the screen, in one form or another. I am disgusted. And unhappy. And unable to find a decent offering on my television other than sports and the History Channel. Thank God for “American Pickers” or I would be hurling myself head first out the window. It’s only the second floor, so I would most likely only be devastatingly injured, but my point would be made.
I do not wish to sound like sour grapes here, but I am willing to take that chance: I have written several books and stories and told tales from a barstool that would provide better entertainment than remaking the same Goddamn insufferable television shows and movies over and over again. Granted, the new “Sherlock Holmes” with Robert Downey Jr. was better viewing than its Basil Rathbone predecessor, but overall, this trend is annoying, lazy and leading this country and the entire worldwide movie business to galloping ruin. If you want to get this business back on an even keel, find the sonofabitches who green-lighted all these re-make projects, shoot them, set their bloody corpses on fire and throw them out onto the tarmac. If there are more than a dozen, start a Lazy-Fucker Bonfire and really give everyone a show. I’m serious – no lazy, overpaid slacker-retard left behind. Then, if you want to jumpstart the process, look over some of my material, invite me out for cocktails, or simply ask me to make something up. I guarantee that it will be better than “Hawaii Five-O”, and it will help me get over my writer’s block. Hell, use Brad Chambers – give Tony Danza a call and tell him to get out of his tap shoes and put his boxing gloves back on – there’s four episodes of a new action show right there. Providing of course that I can finish the latest one. The charred embers of a “Hawaii Five-O” script smoldering next to the body of the lazy, slacking retard that greenlighted it could only provide much needed inspiration, for which I would be most grateful.
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