Monday, August 16, 2010
Management Team Announced for The New Benjamin Button Traveling Sideshow
Current mood: adventurous
Did you hear about the 19 year-old dude who got drunk at a party and asked a girl to drive him home? Not a joke – actually a pretty decent thing to do, what with DUI laws and all. Unless the girl is twelve years-old and also drunk. Turns out, she drove through a road sign and a yard. Then the drunk guy tried to help out and ran the car into a shed. Both were underage. I know what you’re thinking – those crazy Southerners… Wouldn’t doubt it if they were cousins as well… But you would be dead wrong – these two were from Minnesota, which is the Northern version of the South. The funniest part of the story, I thought – a kind of tasty glaze on the donut of news – was that police pulled over another drunk guy swerving around on a moped. In a wicked case of ironic coincidence, he was on his way to pick up the original drunk guy. So they arrested him, too and I don’t blame them – it’s bad form to pick up a drunk friend on a moped. In fact, arresting officers should have simply shot him on the spot – they would have in the real South.
I am not one to cast aspersions on those trying to make their drunken way home without incurring a DUI. I had my own run-in many years ago – thankfully before a stay in Sheriff Joe’s Canvas Hotel was part of the solution. I was inebriated, had to pee real bad and drove too fast. An evening in stir and a couple of thousand dollars later, it was all just a foul-tasting memory. My insurance rates didn’t even go up and the entire episode was wiped from my record. Ah, the good old days. I can remember even before the good old days – the better old days – when I got pulled over (shithammered) and was politely asked by the officer if I thought I could “get ‘er the rest of the way home okay?” I assured him I could and was sent on my way to weave the rest of the way home at a stately 15 mph.
I almost find it noble that the young man tried to find a ride when he was too drunk to drive. I question his judgment for using a drunk 12 year-old girl, but kudos for not just hopping behind the wheel and driving through the sign and the yard and the shed solo. I have never seen a twelve year-old drive, though I cannot imagine one to be very good at it – especially drunk. Most of them have a hard enough time managing their skateboards without knocking loose some gonads or busting up their grill. I can only imagine them with a half a bottle of Peach Schnapps and a gassed-up Volvo.
But drunk driving is not what I wanted to write about today. I wanted to talk about management potential. As many of you may well know, I have a dream to someday open a circus side-show on my own island in New Zealand, populated by a variety of youths with tremendous sideshow potential. Like the real-life Benjamin Button boy who is aging backward, according to the sports programs at two Universities who are claiming he has tried to swindle them by graduating from one then enrolling into the other as a freshman with a different age and birthdate. Where I see supreme divinity, the Universities see sour grapes. There is the chain-smoking toddler from Indonesia, the stoner baby who hits the bong like Tommy Chong and the little drunken toddler who hits the bottle at the ballgame. Throw in the residents of the town I will be buying, and I have a full program of carny variety acts. Now, I simply need management to hold it all together as I travel the globe in search of even newer and more exciting acts.
That’s where this drunken trio comes in. I think I can train them in rudimentary management techniques and keep them supplied with Schnapps and Jagermeister and wait for the fireworks. Sure, it will cost me a bit at first, with expenditures for assault lawsuits, public drunkenness and nudity, but I think long-term they will prove to be a valuable addition to The New Benjamin Button Traveling Sideshow. And at their age, I won’t have to worry about dental care for at least another decade. It’s worth pondering, once I have them sprung from the hoosegow.