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Friday, August 6, 2010

Kama Sutra on Audio Book

Friday, August 06, 2010
Kama Sutra on Audio Book
Current mood: fascinated
Category: Blogging

I was reading that the Kama Sutra is now available on audio book. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for audio books. In fact, I have listened to “Pillars of the Earth”- unabridged - over 20 hours of narrated literary wonderment, at least three times on various trips across the United States. And that takes some discipline. The Kama Sutra, however, does not strike me at first glance as one of those books that lends itself to audio bookery. I would liken it to putting Playboy in an audio format. Interesting for maybe 5 minutes, when you’ve finally figured out that there are no state of the art hologram images that will be appearing on your dashboard, like one of those stick-on Jesuses, only with big, jiggly tits.

If I remember my history correctly, the Kama Sutra was an ancient Hindu guide, which dealt with sex, various positions to maximize your sexual productivity and advice on sustaining sexual relationships, dating back some 1600 years. Okay, I gathered this information from the article I was skimming in search of dirty pictures, but still, you get the point. It’s a naughty book, and from what I remember seeing when I was a kid, it contained page after page of creative, labor-intensive physical maneuvering that could only be accomplished by yoga afficianados and those actively employed by carny circles as Human Pretzels. I remember thinking as a young boy, “That looks really difficult - do I really have to do all this work?” I found out later, much to my relief, that I did not have to do all this work and that, in fact, women’s orgasms were simply a vicious rumor anyhow – they didn’t actually exist. Thank God, because that’s an extra three minutes I really didn’t have to devote to the activity. Some might say that this is why I have been married three times (so far), but I like to think of it as being enlightened. Take care of your business and catch up with the Z’s. You can always go have sex again, but once you’ve missed that sleep, it’s hell trying to catch up. Just sayin’. And if the ladies want to put in some overtime and prove me wrong about the whole “orgasm” thing, well I say more power to them – that’s why God gave them two able hands.

Anyhow, the Kama Sutra as an audio book screams “dismal failure” to me. It is, however, read by some British actress in need of a few pounds or shillings and that is a plus – nothing like a winsome young British waif telling me to “lift her gently over your head, spin her in three deliberate circles using her vagina as a fulcrum, then set her down in one fluid motion onto your penis, once again using her vagina as a fulcrum…” I paraphrase, of course, but you get the picture… Think Helen Mirren - Hubba, hubba. I have listened to James Patterson, Patricia Cornwell, Robert B. Parker and Zane Grey with exceptional results. I have had my emotions manipulated and killed countless hours of dull travel time being transported to murder scenes, dirt-floored western saloons and Boston snow-storms. But the Kama Sutra? I am uncomfortable enough after a few hours behind the wheel without listening to some creamy British tart lecture me on how people that are flexible have sex. That’s just mean-spirited and unnecessary.

I wish the folks at Kama Sutra all the best and I hope they make millions of dollars selling audio books to contortionists and people taking Percocet. But for me, hand over a murder/mystery, or a salty tale of the high-seas, or Gus McCrae and Captain Call on the trail and give me the keys to a space-age minivan. This, my friends, is heaven.

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