Friday, August 13, 2010
Armageddon, Part II - The Evil Deep
Current mood: Scared
I wrote yesterday about my fear of the coming Armageddon and I didn’t even mention the sea, aside from the great wall of ice that is moseying down from the Greenland Arctic to destroy the rainforests and everything in between. Forget about the fact that wildfires are stirring up the deadly ghosts of whatever radioactive nuclear nonsense is still idling in the Soviet dirt near Chernobyl. Forget about mudslides and volcanoes and AIDS. Forget about second-hand smoke and peanut allergies and methamphetamine. Cancer, mesothelioma and vast underwater lakes of oil can all be put on hold.
Let’s talk about jellyfish.
Hundreds of swimmers are being stung by swarms of jellyfish off the coast of Spanish beaches. I wasn’t aware that jellyfish could swarm. I thought they traveled in schools, or herds or packs. Swarm is a much more frightening word, however, invoking images of wasps, bees and hornets. Maybe all things that sting travel in a swarm. Does that mean scorpions gather in swarms? I would imagine scorpions travel alone anyhow, much preferring to savor their stinging pleasures alone – they look like loners. Mean little, angry loners. They freak me out – though not as much as the ocean freaks me out.
My friends know me to be a landlubber. I can go out on a boat fishing, or for a pleasure-cruise. I even got a DUI once in Wisconsin driving a boat too fast on a landlocked lake. I wasn’t aware of this particular regulation or I might have curtailed the speed a bit. Or my consumption of Old Style – live and learn. I prefer to swim, when wheedled into a swimming situation, in a swimming pool and if forced into a natural body of water, need constant, almost childlike assurances that sharks, piranha and manta rays are not indigenous. If they are, I will forgo my dip into the refreshing pool of danger and meet my companions at a nearby bar later, when their daredevilish need for danger has been sated.
The article I skimmed stated: “The jellyfish are tiny and invisible, meaning it is difficult to warn bathers of their presence.” And these tiny little invisible messengers of death are swarming – let’s not forget that part. They have somehow gathered together in a tiny invisible death squad and they are massacring the Spaniards! Trust me – I’m not that crazy about the Spaniards, either. I hear that they are not trustworthy and only care about gambling and fine cigars. But to read about them being attacked by swarms of angry little invisible, tentacled demonic minions of the deep chills my soul. I know that the Spaniards are just the beginning – an easy target, because they are a swarthy people and easily distracted by the sound of the waves. Soon it will be the French lollygaggers and the ponces along the Mediterranean – after that, it’s anybody’s guess where these poisonous assassins will turn up. But it is only a matter of time before they brave the tanning-oil slick of Mission Beach in our own San Diego, or the stench of the beaches of Atlantic City to begin their reign of terror on our own shores, mark my words.
Armageddon is coming for sure – but it may not be in the form of a rain of fire and brimstone. It may wash up from the evil deep. Just sayin’.
COMING FOR THE WEEKEND: An exerpt from the upcoming Brad Chambers novel "The Dark Bond of Sin"