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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Reason # 6452 Why to Avoid the Sea at All Costs - Meet the Wobbegong

This photograph only further solidifies my already stalwart belief that the sea is no place for fun and games. This is a shark eating another shark. That's how bad things are in the depths of the deep, dark, scary ocean. The sharks are eating their own. What you see here is a Bamboo Shark that is being drawn into the waiting, hungry maw of a Wobbegong shark, otherwise known as a "Carpet Shark". Even the name sounds predatory and duplicitous. Regardless of my tendency to mistrust and fear the Bamboo Shark, I almost feel sorry for the bastard when I see him being sucked face-first into the fierce jaws of the Carpet Shark. Apparently, upon investigation, it appears that the Bamboo Shark is not the most ferocious killer in the sea. From Wikipedia: "They are sluggish fish, feeding off bottom dwelling invertebrates and smaller fish..." Well, there you go. Perhaps the Bamboo shark should think about hitting the gym, laying off the sea-gin and try finding some larger prey that isn't simply littering the ocean-floor, where coincidentally, the Carpet Shark Lives. Incidentally, getting gobbled up by the Great Wobbegong is what you get for picking on invertebrates and smaller fish, you Goddamned shark-bully.

This is the Carpet Shark when it's not devouring a lazy, sluggish Bamboo Shark. Sure, sign me up for some snorkeling...

I have already warned you about great schools of poisonous, stinging jellyfish, man-eating sharks and many sundry predatory sea-creatures, unseaworthy vessels, kelp and other perils of the deep. I have not even yet gotten around to the Deadly Undertow, which is a sneaky sonofabitch, or tsunamis - the great conspiracy of the moon and the tides to wash us all out to sea and all the creatures that await there, jaws eagerly agape, to consume us.

The ocean is nothing but trouble, I tell you - the fact that it surrounds us on all sides and we can't even drink a drop of its beautiful blue water should give us our first hint that it is simply out to get us in the end. The second we dip our toes in the surf, the clock starts running - the lowest, slowest link in the oceanic food-chain has arrived and is here, gleefully splashing around like idiots - the oceanic equivilent of ringing the dinner-bell. So take your cute little skiffs and snorkels and surfboards, paddle off into the ocean's alluring azure waters and enjoy. Just remember, when you step on one of these Wobbegongs and get your legs bitten off, don't come running to me.


  1. I was pretty much raised in the ocean and I never had anything that killed me. Seen most of what you are afeared of and survived (except for the creepy sharks eating sharks). I bet if I hold your head under the water til you start sputtering, you'll be less afraid of what is in the water and more of what is out.

  2. I do fear what lives on land as well - this is well-documented. Bears, bees, snakes, fire ants, volcanos, earthquakes, fire and snow also keep me awake at night. Don't get me started on Circus Clowns. I appreciate your concern and even your "scared straight" strategy on getting me to "sack-up". However, until we as a species come up with an effective manner with which to deal with these legitimate concerns, I will continue to be the klaxon of reason in these troubled times.

  3. At least you aren't scared of circus freaks and smoking and drinking minors. Man I bet you could really go on and on about that. Wait.. nevermind.

  4. Love me some carnies. And smoking, drinking infants never fail to make me smile. For that one blissful moment, I am free from phobia.