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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Hitler's Son... Really?

I was skimming the news the other day and saw that a man was claiming he was Hitler's son, alledgedly conceived on a drunken evening his mutter spent with Der Fuhrer before he was Der Fuhrer. An interesting thought - though I was under the impression that Hitler was a tea-totaler. Perhaps one festive eve with a feisty fraulein not only conceived a little Hitler, but managed to change his attitude toward the drink. I suppose we'll never know - it's none of my business.

What is some of my business, however, is wondering why one would admit to being the son of Adolph Hitler - it goes against every instinct of good form, if not outright survival. "Hi, Jerry Hitler - nice to meet you... Yep, you bet - he's my dad... Funny, huh?"  I would think that it might be more prudent to eradicate that particular branch from that particular family tree - sort of like distancing oneself from the Cuckoo Uncle who gets drunk at parties and pinches all the girls' butts. Perhaps a name change is in order, and one should definitely stay away from the cute little whiskbroom mustache, lest passersby confuse your Hitlerian lineage with that of The Little Tramp.

Chaplin, Der Fuhrer before Der Fuhrer was Der Fuhrer.

I saw a photo of the Hitler-spawn, which the news piece had thoughtfully included next to one of his old man. In spite of the fact that Junior had grown a ginger version of the classic 'stache and put a fuhrer-puss on, I saw very little resemblance. Maybe it was the big, stupid-looking glasses - let's see...

Hmmmm... Maybe there's something there after all...

That image helped a bit with providing more of a resemblance between "father" and "son", but upon further rumination, it seems as if the meglomaniac dictator actually looked more like Grouch Marx than Charlie Chaplin, which is profoundly more interesting than speculating on his lineage.

Separated at birth?

But I digress.

The entire point of this article was not to showcase how deft my drawing hand is - that is simply a bonus for you. I believe my original thought was that if one were actually Hitler's offspring, one might want to keep that information on the downlow - grow some mutton-chops, or anything to draw attention away from any possible resemblance to the most evil mass-murderer in the history of known times. Just sayin'.

I know some people have a built-in need for attention and will go to any lengths to get it - but claiming to be Hitler's son has got to take the cake for "Worst Attempt To Get Attention" - second only to those monks who set themselves on fire. That might be worse.

Anyhow, I think that maybe there could be some DNA someplace that might put this baby to bed. I saw a documentary on the ever-useful History Channel and Hitler did have some living relatives from which DNA could possibly be gleaned. Those folks, unlike Junior, have chosen to live quiet lives, preferring not to be associated with the madman responsible for World War II, the Holocaust and jackboots. They might have even grown mutton chops.

An artist's rendering of what Hitler's relatives might look like with mutton-chops. And a cowlick like Alfalfa's.

So, we will have to wait and see how it all shakes out with Junior and his absurd claim that being Adolph Hitler's son is the reason he has such a sour puss. Personally, I can't wait - it will make for more good History Channel viewing.

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