My Neighbor's Cannon

My neighbor has a cannon. I shit you not. It is a small cannon and I believe that it is small enough to steal. I would like to steal my neighbor's cannon and set it up on my balcony and shoot it off on special occasions, such as Phoenix Suns victories, St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve. Also, I would use the cannon to fend off my neighbor, who would no-doubt be constantly plotting on how to get his cannon back.

I could also use it to shoot at my neighbor's house who have the dogs that bark all night and shoot it at the hoboes who think that my garbage cans contain riches beyond imagination that can only be found at four in the morning. Yes, I think having a little cannon could be a life-changer. I am not certain how to work the cannon, or where to procure cannon-ammunition, but this is precisely why Google was invented. I am fairly certain I could obtain cannon-balls and have a fairly decent idea how to fire the bastard before I even steal it.

I think that having the cannon would also make my neighbors envious and make me more popular with the ladies. Name a single gal who could resist the line "you want to come back to my place and see my little cannon?" Owning a cannon is unusual - especially having one that could conceivably be towed behind a bicycle. Hell, I already envy my neighbor for owning a cannon enough to plot its theft. Besides, if he doesn't have it chained down and under constant video surveillance, then he is practically begging to have it stolen.

This could be the start of a new era - nay, a new Empire. Imagine when the elections come around and my campaign for King is publicized with posters of me in my Czar uniform, standing next to my little cannon. Can you say "shoo-in"? Remember to vote "Jerry Ford For King" in the upcoming elections. Remember Gerald Ford got to be president and he didn't muck things up too badly... I can't do any worse as King. Especially if I have a little cannon.