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Monday, September 10, 2012
Planet of the Apes - Coming Soon, for reals!
When are humans going to learn that no matter how cute little monkeys look in tiny hand-made clothes, they are really not meant to be pets. For one thing, they are much stronger than humans and in many cases, also much smarter. Trying to coop them up in a cage in your rumpus room is only begging for a face-eating. Letting them sit on your shoulder or lap only gives them easier access to your face - don't do it. They're not to be trusted - not even the little ones...
Monkeys should be left in the wild, where they can climb trees and swing by their tails and frolic in their indigenous environment. Though I cannot blame them for jumping on police cars, which would be a delight if we could get away with it, we should not let them loose in our urban neighborhoods for their frolicking. It always ends at best with a tranquilizer dart and more often a mauling or a face-eating. Apparently, monkeys go for the eyes first and then the genitals. Instinctively they want to blind you, then keep you from siring more enemies. Creepy.
So, in summary - if you want to be stubborn and keep a monkey as a pet, play it safe and wear a welding helmet and a cup. And don't let it sit on your shoulder or lap. Not even the little ones.
Posted by Jerry Ford at 9:10 AM