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Saturday, September 22, 2012

Man Vs. Tiger - An Observation

Some people are just nuts. I read a story this morning about a moron who jumped off an elevated tram above the Bronx Zoo and landed in the tiger den - where the big, live carnivorous tiger lives. The man proceeded to be mauled by the big cat, who inflicted a "deep wound" to his back and a bitten ankle, which may or may not have caused a fracture. It could have been his awkward landing from the imbecilic leap from the tram that broke his foot - I like to think so. Then, the added tiger bite is simply a serendipitous twist of fate. Of course, the tiger could have gnawed on the other ankle, thus forcing the man into a wheelchair and less likely or able to leap willy-nilly from elevated trams of any sort, up to and including those that run over tiger dens.

As you can probably gather, the man was rescued by zoo workers armed with a fire extinguisher, which apparently frightened the cat away from the injured fellow. I imagine they squirted the white powder from the extinguisher at the beast, which while impressive and frightening to simple beasts is mostly harmless - genius. It makes much more sense than waving the extinguisher back and forth, shouting "GET AWAY FROM THE IDIOT, KITTY!" This probably would have not been nearly as effective and would have probably resulted in the jumper being eaten altogether.

Which is exactly why I would have just waved the cylinder and shouted halfheartedly at the ravenous feline.

I don't want it to seem like I actually wish such a horrible fate upon a man, no matter how twisted his line of thinking, but my point is this: This was not a simple act of thrill-seeking - this man didn't jump off the tram into the den of lions for the visceral stimulation - this citizen made an extreme effort, not only leaping from the tram, but clearing two security fences in his jump, to end up staring at the gaping jaws of big-cat fury. He mostly likely wanted to either be eaten by the tiger, or to wrestle it. Who are we to interfere? Let him go, I say, and good luck to him. Granted, he didn't waste any time when instructed to roll under the fences once the beast had been shooed away with the fire extinguisher. This shows amazing lack of character - if he truly wanted to wrestle or be eaten, he would have said, "no, I'm good - if you would please back off with the Goddamn fire extinguisher, the kitten and I would like to continue our little chat..." Now that would have been heroic, if not admirably so.

Instead, what we have is another waffler, crying for attention. Same goes for those who perch on a high ledge above a city street, or a bridge over angry white river a half mile below, threatening to jump and holding up traffic. Jump - please! Stop inconveniencing everyone else in your desperate grab for attention - if you really want to do it, by all means get eaten by a vicious tiger. Otherwise, please stay home, have some Rice Krispies and enjoy some cartoons. The feeling will probably pass - especially after some Rice Krispies. Or get some help - talk to your priest or therapist, get medicated and let your misfiring synapses calm down and then enjoy some Rice Krispies. If you truly need to be eaten by a tiger, go sneak in at night and clap your hands and call the tiger a "pussy". That should have you well-eaten by morning.

In summary, if you really want to be devoured by a 400 pound man-eating beast, by all means, have at it; we promise not to interfere. If you want attention, buy a puppy.

And have some Rice Krispies.

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