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Thursday, June 7, 2012

I Am Machine - Part 3 (Final Preparations)

Final preparations are underway for tonight's departure from Phoenix on a road-trip to Dubuque. That's in Iowa - approximately 1650 miles as a spastic crow flies and 24 hours worth of driving.

The preparations include the following:
  • Picking up a rental car, so there is room to stow all my daughter's things to bring back to Phoenix. I have also found that it is much less stressful to put these kind of hard miles on someone else's vehicle and that I don't feel as bad about it when I drive it into a ditch, tree or deer.
  • Putting the following items in a DOP kit: toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant and six condoms (just in case of truckstop floozy action - better to have them and not use them than, well, you know...).
  • Putting the following in a plastic bag from Safeway: a spare tee-shirt (in case I spill beer on the one I leave the house wearing), a pair of spare drawers (of the off-chance that I come across some bad Taco Bell and foul the ones I leave the house wearing) and six more condoms (in case I lose the DOP kit - can't be too safe along these lines.
  • Having a sensible meal - something that won't give me the trots and force an early use of the spare drawers.
  • Taking a shower - might as well scrub up, it could be awhile before I see another bar of soap (unless I get arrested for lewd behavior with a truckstop floozy, in which case, it will be jail-soap, which should be avoided whenever possible).
  • Picking up Mike Taggart for the trip.
  • Spending an hour arguing with him, trying to explain why there won't be room for him to bring three suitcases and a banjo.
  • Searching the one bag I do allow him to bring for contraband (anything that could get me arrested, thus incarcerated and inevitably another run in with jail-soap, which should be avoided whenever possible).
After these items have been checked off the list, I will point the car north and hit the gas. Hilarity ensues.

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