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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Take THAT!

I was skimming the news and came across an article about a man who had been arrested for assault after throwing an order of McDonald's french fries at his step-daughter.

Apparently, the man was arguing with his wife in the front seat of the car after receiving their food from the fast food joint and the ten year old girl in the back seat tried to intercede, presumably so she could enjoy her Chicken McNuggets in peace. The man, now agitated and clearly at his wit's end, chucked his order of fries at the girl, striking her in the face and chest.

The article did not say if the girl thanked him for the extra food, but I assume she gobbled the fries up with gusto, so there would be none left for Mr. Anger Management when they arrived home. That would have taught him a clear lesson and he could think about it for awhile, as he ate his cheesebuger with no fries. It would have served him right and he would think twice before throwing his fast-food at the youngster.

Instead, upon arrival at the house, he fled on a motorcycle and his wife called the law. The article didn't say if he took his food with him, but I like to think that the ladies shared his burger and shake in a delightful serendipitous turn of fortune. The man was apprehended a short time later and charged with felony assault, because the fries were hot and greasy.

And delicious...

I suppose there will be justice, although I feel that if a man is torqued enough to throw a perfectly good serving of fries at his daughter, the loss of the food is punishment enough. A simple "Sorry about that - you can have those," would have probably satisfied the little girl and I am relatively certain it wasn't her idea to call the police after her deep-fried windfall. There was most likely more to the story than the food-fight and Mom probably had her own reasons for following up with a call to the local precinct. There is a good chance he also had more reason to flee on a motorbike than the wasting of his side order. He might have been an asshole, or his wife a shrew - who knows? Time will tell...

But that's not why I'm writing.

I was thinking about this and I believe that it would be a sound strategy to annoy dining companions so that they throw food at me. I am definitely annoying enough to make this happen and I could be judicious in my use of what could become a source of fun and tasty treats. For instance, If someone was enjoying a plate of flapjacks slathered in butter and maple syrup, I would pass. Too messy, too difficult for the annoyee to throw with any accuracy. That said, if I happened to be hanging out with someone who was opening a Twinky or a Ding-Dong, let the games begin. These items would be easy to hurl and I could probably catch them on the fly with my mouth. The same could be said about chocolate bars in general, Nestles Crunch in particular, hard-boiled eggs and most fruit. The french fries would be a solid choice, as would onion rings, jalapeno poppers, potato skins and most other sports bar finger food. The sports bar would also provide an excellent opportunity to provoke action, as patrons would most likely be drunk and easy to agitate.

I encourage everyone to give this a try and let me know how it works out and if we are ever together at a happy hour, please feel free to throw your delectible tidbits at me with abandon. I promise I will not call the police.


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