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Friday, May 18, 2012
A Note to the Facilities Dept. of the Anonymous Fortune 500 Company - Part 5
First of all, let me commend you all for the fine work you are doing with the efficient management of the cleaning schedule for the restrooms that are strategically located throughout the H*** facility. If the number of times I am forced to duckwalk to another part of the building because the washroom is being cleaned when I desperately need to use it, or the crowds of slightly-uncomfortable men milling around waiting for an open pisser in the restrooms not being cleaned are any indication, you have succeeded in creating some of the most popular and cleanest bathroom areas ever. Anywhere.
That said, I witnessed a disturbing, yet ironic incident this afternoon in our cafeteria. A lady, who if I am not mistaken, gave me a knowing wink and come-hither smile as she carried her salad to a table, smacked her head on the first-aid kit that was mounted at head-height on the wall behind her seat. Disturbing in that I had to watch the impact first-hand; ironic because she hit her head on a first-aid kit. I heard the sound, even as I admired her comely shape collapsing into the chair and knew right away that the impact must have stung. The glassy look that came across her eyes only made her somehow even more attractive, but that is neither here nor there - after all, this isn't about fly-by-night love, this is about safety.
I inquired if she was alright, perfectly willing and able to apply either the Heimlich Maneuver or mouth-to-mouth if needed, but apparently neither was suited for her injury and my witty observations seemed to fall on indifferent ears, so I finished my Snickers bar and went back to my desk. I blamed her apathy on the concussion she had sustained and sincerely hope she recovers fully. Hers would be a devastating loss not only to close friends and family, but all who ever ogled her imposing, yet delicate form in motion. I mean that in a totally professional way.
But I digress.
I am not one to simply write notes of complaint or observation without being prepared to offer helpful suggestions. My mother always said, "don't complain unless you have a better way of doing things". I would like to attribute her logic and no-nonsense thinking to the fact that my bloodline runs directly to Henry Ford, another logical, no-nonsense thinker, but the Ford strain does not run through the maternal side of the family, no matter how hard the hillbilly family tree tries to intertwine its seedy branches.
Here are my thoughts:
1) We should probably relocate the first-aid kits. Especially the one mounted above the seat in the cafeteria. Even if folks aren't smacking their heads on them as they try to enjoy some split-pea soup, I would think that the last thing a lunch patron would want to see is someone rifling through the box for a tourniquet kit or eyewash while they try to force down an overpriced slice of pizza. This could also pose a potentially bloody health hazard and shame on the health inspectors for not bringing this up.
2) A more logical place to put the kits is in the bathrooms, where one can comfortably wash their wounds and look into the mirror while administering the eyewash. It just makes good sense. Avoid the dining room altogether.
3) Also avoid mounting the kits near the stadia where the salespeople sit. They get distracted enough without getting to watch injured co-workers frantically pawing through the first aid kits in search of appropriate bandages, maybe moaning, weeping or fainting, or even worse, operating in a state of panic, during which any number of distracting events could occur, up to and including seizure, hysteria, vomiting and the dreaded soiling of the trousers. Yes, let's put the kits in the restrooms.
4) In regards to the stocking of the medical supplies, might I suggest better pain medication - aspirin tends to dissolve on my tongue, which sets of my questionable gag-reflex, which in turn sends me scrambling for the anti-nausea medicine. Also, a colorful assortment of amphetamines, muscle-relaxers and a few cc's of liquid morphine for emergencies would be appreciated. A weekly Friday offering of hallucinogens, while unlikely, would drastically improve the ratings in our yearly employee satisfaction survey. Just saying.
I hope this note finds you well and that you have considered re-instating the margarita parties on the lawn as I suggested lasted month. They are sorely missed.
As always, if I can be of any assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Thanks and best regards,
Posted by Jerry Ford at 5:00 PM