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Saturday, May 19, 2012

Apparently, Every Sperm IS Sacred...

I saw an article this morning about a man complaining about his child support. He only makes minimum wage and the state takes half his paycheck to support his children. All 30 of them. That is not a typo - this gentleman has fathered 30 children over his 33 years, the oldest of whom is 14 years old. Now, don't get the idea that Desmond Hatchett is a philanderer - the children do not all have different mothers - he only had babies with 11 different women. That averages out to just under 3 per lady. Nearly normal, in the big scheme of things. Except that the 33 year old man has 30 frigging children.

And now he's upset that the government expects him to help pay for them.

I get that - nobody wants to have half of their paycheck taken away, even to help support the education, feeding and clothing of their children. Heaven forbid we should spend half our money on that. Obviously, there are more important things on which to spend one's cash and apparently condoms are not one of them.

The article says that some of the moms receive as little as $1.49 per month. That's not a hundred and forty nine dollars, that's ONE DOLLAR and FORTY NINE CENTS. Thanks for pitching in. Here's an idea - howsabout we take some of that precious nut-busting time and get a second job, so that perhaps we could chip in ten bucks a month on the children - that would be awesome and maybe working a couple of jobs might take our mind off where we will be stowing our penis this hour.

Granted, I might be writing with just a little bit of jealousy here. ELEVEN WOMEN/30 CHILDREN. I don't even think that I've had sex with eleven women. In fact I'm certain I haven't - I still have the letters of complaint concerning my performance filed away from the four that I have slept with. I probably just fell in with some really needy ladies, I suppose. Anyhow, regardless of my jealousy and consistently poor sexual performance, at some point Big Brother should step in and do something about this. And by Big Brother, I mean Karma, Common Sense, STD or an actual Big Brother. One or a few of these ladies' older siblings should take Desmond to the marketplace and beat the living snot out of him with a stick. And cut his nuts off for the good of one and all. It is an option - just wear funny mustaches.

Apparently, Desmond went to court in 2009, when he only had 21 children to answer charges that he wasn't paying his child support. He vowed he would not be having any more children, no sir. In the three years since, he has fathered 9 more kids. That is one out-of-control penis.

I don't know what the answer is, here - I don't think the government should be able to sterilize an individual who just cannot stay out of the pouch, regardless of how many children he has fathered, and we can't force Desmond to wear a condom (after all, his penis could be sensitive to latex and that might put him off his erection), but there has got to be a loophole somewhere and I'm thinking it's the child support. If he can't support his kids in a reliable and equitable fashion, we get to lock him up someplace where his penis can't do any more damage.

Like jail.

But if we lock Desmond away, he will not be able to assist with the support of his children at all. And we will be not only shouldering that formidable task, but we will also be paying to keep him in stir and sleeping comfortably with a full belly. It's a vicious irony.

Eventually, I would like to think that Desmond might wise up and swear off the cooch for a bit and perhaps pick up something else to occupy his mind and his penis for awhile, like a hobby, or a second job. He could, of course, simply see if he can wrangle a position as a full-time sperm-donor in a clinic someplace where such positions are necessary and valued.

In the meantime, I do feel a bit sorry for the 30 children who will no-doubt get little valuable father/child time and possibly even end up perpetuating this fatherless cycle. But Desmond has a busy booty-schedule and you can't let a few kids stand in the way of that...

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