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Thursday, August 2, 2012

My Greatest Olympic Hero

I have a new Olympic hero. It’s not Michael Phelps, regardless of his 19 medals, nor is it longtime idol Muhammad Ali, who as a young Cassius Clay struck gold in 1960 and became the dominant, most world-renowned heavyweight fighter of the next twenty years. It’s not the Dream Team, the iconic track and field stars Carl Lewis or Jesse Owens, who turned his nose up at the Nazis. Not even Mary Lou Retton, that delightful pixie, or the stern-faced, but somehow alluring Nadia Comaneci can usurp my newest, most-favoritist hero.

His name is Logan Campbell. He is from New Zealand and is in London participating in the Olympics in the taekwondo competition. It matters not to me if he places for a medal, or that I am relatively uncertain how taekwondo even works. All I know is that I idolize the man so much that I named one of my daughters after him.

Okay, not really – she was born in 1993, when Campbell was just seven years old and probably just slipping into his first taekwondo dobok. But the point is, I certainly would have named one of my daughters – hell, probably both of them – after Logan Campell given the chance, had I been aware of him, such is my adoration of the young man.

And here’s why: Overwhelmed with the expense of financing his Olympic training (he had incurred massive expenses four years ago when he competed and was looking at another $200,000.00 to go this time around), Logan Campbell opened a brothel to raise funds for his training and subsequent trip to the Olympic games.

And why, you may ask, does this make him heroic? Well, it might not necessarily make him heroic in the strictest of traditional terms, but it does make him an AWESOME GENIUS and for that he deserves some heroic stature, I would think. Especially since he can also kick everybody’s ass, which heroes are well-known to do.

 Logan Campbell – Olympic Competitor, Brothel Owner, AWESOME GENIUS, Hero

Let me begin by saying that I have never been to a brothel, nor have I ever purchased sex – aside from paying for overpriced dinners, sitting through bad movies or listening to inane conversation that has taken years, if not decades off my life – but I would like to think that I am a big fan. The idea of brothels in general is a masterstroke and as long as everyone in the place is there of their own volition – employees and patrons alike – I declare “Godspeed, brothels!”

Apparently, in New Zealand, brothels are legal, which gives me a much higher regard for the Kiwis than I had previously thought possible. I would stop just short of calling New Zealand heroic, however, as they are simply legalizing something that just makes good sense and probably as a country can kick no other country’s ass as a rule. Perhaps Malta, if they were willing to travel that far just to kick somebody’s ass. Or The Marshall Islands, which are used to getting their collective atoll ass kicked by nuclear testing and acting as a bloody wrestling mat when the Japanese needed a whupping by the Allies in World War II. In fact, the Kiwis could probably just write a stern note and consider the ass of The Republic of the Marshall Islands good and thoroughly kicked.

Artist's Rendering of the Ass-Kicking of the Marshall Islands

But I digress – back to our hero…

Logan Campbell is an AWESOME GENIUS for opening a brothel for the following reasons:

• Reason 1: I don’t believe that it is possible for a brothel not to make money. Usually, the prime factor in the success of any physical business is “Location, location, location”. But as The Bunny Ranch can attest, people will hop into a car, sometimes while inebriated, slew-eyed from staring into a video Keno game that had them up a thousand dollars, only to take it back and then some, and drive for an hour to go pay exorbitant rates for sex that would have proved disappointing, had they even been able to generate even a semblance of a laughable, pathetic erection. At least that’s what I’ve heard… Brothel = Moneymaker.

• Reason 2: Auditioning the ladies to work in your shop would provide excellent conditioning. I have never subscribed to the theory that a fighter must abstain from sex in order to be effective in the ring. Hell, look at Mike Tyson – apparently he was having sex with tons of ladies, whether they wanted to or not, and was destroying people in the ring at the same time. Coincidence? I think not. If one would rather take the high road and not sleep with the help, then simply act as the bouncer instead – also excellent training and somewhat heroic to boot. And hire me to audition the horizontal staff – I could use some conditioning. Auditioning hookers for your brothel = Excellent conditioning training.

• Reason 3: Opening a brothel to pay for your Olympic expenses will have people writing about you around the world, some going so far as to proclaim you an AWESOME GENIUS, if not a hero. Even if the Olympic Committee disapproves (which they apparently did) and you sold off your interest in the brothel once your goal had been met (a questionable business move that makes me second guess the fiscal savvy of the Kiwis), you will forever be canonized as a hero – at least in this man’s book. Opening brothel to gather capital to go kick Olympic taekwondo ass = Heroic Genius

And please understand, once I am elected King, brothels will be legalized across the land, and several will be conveniently placed within hailing distance of my palace. After all, regardless of the enterprise, one must still consider “Location, location, location”.

Remember to vote Jerry Ford for King in the upcoming elections; there will brothels in every town, cell-phone jamming devices in every car and a strict moratorium on annoying local radio commercials.

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