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Friday, August 10, 2012

Facebook - The Skinny

Here is why I like the Facebook: Who gives a shit?

Seriously, I think the site is awesome and even more suitable as a "fast-food snack" for writing than even this silly blog, which has eaten months of valuable writing time which could have been better utilized to finish a book or two here or there. It's much easier for me to come here and write a one-page treatice on farting than to figure out how the next plot turn is going to affect the main character's arc - and should I kill the leading lady (SPOILER ALERT: uh, yes). So imagine. if you will, how enticing the world of the Facebook post is for someone like me, who likes to hit and run and get on with my life. I am amazed, however, at the laziness of some of the folks who post on the site.

I have some simple, easy-to-follow rules when it comes to posting on the social network that might assist the helpless when it comes to crafting an interesting post:
  • Feel free to write about the fact that you're having breakfast. That said, there had better be a comment on the quality of the food that your are preparing/ingesting.
    • The possibility of food poisoning is always a nice addition - eating expired food, or that which has been prepared in a questionable or haphazard manner will only add color to your post.
    • Explosive diarrhea or projectile vomiting as a result of the meal is world-class, followed closely by uncontrollable gas and the unfortunate fate of the innocent passersby.
  • The possibility (or inevitability) of fire, explosion or any other natural disaster will make any post more interesting.
    • If this is of your own instigation, purposeful or not, it will only add to the drama.
  • Photos of cats - even with captions, are not interesting. Mildly cute at best, I would avoid these like the plague.
    • Same with babies. Fuck baby pictures.
      • Dogs, too. Fuck dog pictures.
  • As a rule, no one cares where you are, so there is no need to post an update of your location. Unless it involves some sordid back story of which others might have knowledge or may have suspected.
    • If the food is good and the drinks cold, please tell others where you are - this is a public service.
    • If there are cute, drunken ladies of questionable moral fiber going absolutely nuts someplace, feel free to share this information as well - also a public service.
      • That said, use some kind of code like "the waters are flush with trout". This will eliminate the weak of mind and the non-fishermen. Depending on your location, this will eliminate the avid fishermen as well, because they will recognize the area, know immediately that there is no trout and consider you an idiot. Good for the rest of us, who can decipher such rich coded messages.
  • If you want to comment on someone else's post, make it interesting.
    • If someone posts an ordinary event, without involving fire, explosion or natural disaster, feel free to turn it into a filthy sexual innuendo.
      • For instance, if a post reads, "It's a lovely morning - the sunrise makes me smile", take the opportunity to write "how was it - get any on you?"
        • "How was it - get any on you" can be used on almost any post, if you need a quick go-to.
          • So is "Yeah, you did..."
  • If you feel the need to "Share" someone else's cute photo of a cat, or a witty saying that you had nothing to do with composing, make it your own, by adding your own comment in the "Share".
    • For instance: "How was it - get any on you?"
I hope this humble list if helpful hints is useful as you troll the foul waters of the social network. Hopefully, your pond with be flush with trout and you don't get any on you. Yeah, you did.
Please note, this document is suitable for framing.

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