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Monday, March 5, 2012

A Note to the Fine Judges of "The Voice"

My daughter auditioned for "The Voice" in Chicago this weekend. I have never seen the show, but I admit I would invest my time should my daughter be a contestant. From what I understand, it is yet another show where young people try to out-sing each other - a novel concept. I assume piles of cash, fame and a lucrative recording contract await the lucky winner.

Logan didn't get accepted to the show and I am a curious soul - here is the note I am planning to send to the judges who made such an odd decision. As always, your suggestions are welcomed and appreciated....

Dear Sir or Madam,

First of all, I would like to thank all the folks at "The Voice" for giving my daughter the opportunity to audition in Chicago this past weekend for your show. I'm certain it was cold and windy there and your fortitude is commendable. I prefer to work in a warmer climate - I feel it adds to my overall good-naturedness to not have to trudge through, shovel or drive in snow. I have heard that cold temperatures can affect the mind and perhaps that would explain the text I received from my daughter Logan when I asked how the audition had gone. This was her reply: "Really bummed. The judge said she was confused by my song and stopped me before I got to the chorus."  No further explanations were given and apparently no one else from Logan's group of ten auditioners made the cut either. And Logan doesn't suck. Not at all - in fact, I think she's really good and that you did yourself a disservice by not allowing her to get to the chorus of the song, which is a delight.

So, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind taking a few minutes out of your judgemental day to explain how the song or performance was confusing, for future reference, if possible. I hate the idea of my daughter leaving an endless sea of confused listeners in her wake as she moves through her musical career - I feel it would be bad form and some of the confused might want to beat her up for it.

Before I go any further, if the weather and subsequent ear-infection or runny nose was indeed a factor in your confusion - or some other medical condition, such as seizure or stroke, I would like to wish you a full and speedy recovery. And if this is the case, please do not feel pressured to respond in a timely fashion - write when you can. After all, as the Six-Fingered Man once said, "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything..." Truer words were never spoken.

I have never heard the word "confused" in reference to a song or performance before - maybe once, but it was Sinatra at the end, when he had to read off the teleprompter and often lost his place. We'll probably hear it a few more times in the coming days, since Glen Campbell is going on tour with Alzheimer's. That is a trainwreck waiting to happen.  And the term "confused" is used to describe the performer, not the judge.

But I digress.

The song Logan performed was "Always", by Panic! at the Disco and it is one of my favorite of her cover tunes. (Logan, performing "Always", by Panic! at the Disco) If your confusion stems from the fact that the band uses a seemingly pointless exclamation mark after the word panic, I am with you - I've never understood that particular naming convention. I can only imagine your confusion trying to pay attention to a young lady singing when you are running through all of the plausible pronunciation variables of the band name, given the odd exclamation mark - is it PANIC!!!!!... At the disco, or is it PANIC AT THE DISCO!? I personally do not have such issues, given my keen focus and ability to consider dozens of subtle readings of the band name during a performance, without even once losing time on my tapping-toe.

And I heard she wasn't permitted to play her ukulele while she sang. I get that - it's hard to pass unbiased judgement with tears of joy streaming down one's cheeks. I know, I've tried - practically impossible, given the goosebumps and all. Perhaps it was the lack of ukulele accompaniment that caused your confusion. The ukulele is a fine instrument and you certainly missed out on an opportunity for some top-notch entertainment - but you are welcome to click on the link above to hear the song in its full beauty.

We look forward to hearing from you. Logan will get over her disappointment. They always do. Eventually. On a side-note, her twin sister Allison will be auditioning at the end of the month in Los Angeles. Who knew, right?! I will tell her to leave her uke at home and stay away from that damned Panic! at the Disco. Along those lines, do you have anything against Korean pop music? If so, I would like to address her inevitable heartbreak in advance, if at all possible.

Until then, best regards and please do feel better.

Jerry Ford

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