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Sunday, March 25, 2012

Exploring the Mariana Trench - Really, James Cameron?

I read in the news today that James Cameron, the bazillionaire movie director had taken a submarine to the deepest part of the earth, The Mariana Trench. Get this - The Mariana Trench is "120 times larger than the Grand Canyon and more than a mile deeper than Mount Everest is tall", according to the news article.

It is also dark, populated with deep-sea monsters and under approximately 35,756 feet of water. The article goes on to say "...one of the risks of a dive so deep is extreme water pressure. At 6.8 miles below the surface, the pressure is the equivalent of three SUVs sitting on your toe." I would have probably used the head as my example, rather than the toe, but that is nitpicking. You get the picture - if the sub had sprung a leak, the entire shebang would have imploded and crushed itself like an empty soda can with three SUVs sitting on its head.

I suppose if people want to run off to the deepest part of the ocean on their own time, it's none of my business. That said - what's the point? I know that the stock answer for endeavors like this is "because it's there". I've never understood that one. There's lots of stuff that's there, but I don't need to see ninety nine percent of it, because it is either not important to me, not in the least interesting, or it is dark, scary, populated with sea-monsters, underwater and dangerous.

Fish won't even go there - the only creatures that live in water that deep are eyeless, freakish sea-monsters built to withstand the pressure of having three SUVs sitting on their heads. I saw these creatures on a documentary once and even then thought who in the hell wants to go down there - with those? Of course, these deep-sea fish are probably the only living things on earth that will survive once the shit really hits the fan, but at that point they can have it, I say. By that time, my reign as King will have long-since been categorized as an outright failure despite my overwhelming popularity and groundbreaking ban on cell-phones in the car, movie theaters and grocery stores. I am still on the fence regarding restaurants, but leaning toward banning them there as well.

But I digress.

I think James Cameron would be better served to stick with making entertaining films. I have yet to see Avatar - I have an aversion to blue creatures. Those blue hillbillies in Kentucky scare me and I have never trusted Smurfs. But I liked Titanic. I also think Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the finest young actors of this generation - he was phenomenal in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", alongside Johnny Depp, another huge talent. I like John Cusack, too - he's fine and proven to have good chops even as an adult, although "Say Anything" might have been his benchmark performance. Although I do like "Grosse Pointe Blank" and "High Fidelity" - tough call.

Anyhow, I guess my point is that maybe we should stay out of the Mariana Trench - nothing good can come from this, even if your submarine is equipped with rockets and torpedoes, like the one in my photo. Some deep-sea parasite built to withstand all that SUV pressure will inevitably latch onto the side of the vessel and be dragged to the surface, where it will most likely grow to enormous size, breath fire and eventually destroy most of Japan. Just sayin'. Leave the deep sea to the eyeless, freakish sea-critters and get back to important stuff - like taking Ashton Kutcher to outer space.

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