Sleeping Like A Baby - The Skinny

I used to envy folks who said they "sleep like a baby", until I realized that I, too sleep like a baby - nearly every night. Which means that I sleep like an actual baby, Tossing and turning and waking up every two hours crying, possibly wetting myself and in a real bad fit maybe even soiling up the place. I am normally awake at least two hours in the middle of the night, usually sometime between 2 and 3 until 4 or 5. It's a gift. A fucked up, useless gift, but a gift nonetheless. Like my overdeveloped sense of smell, it is another one of those things where I believe I got short shrift. These are probably two of the lousiest super-powers ever: I am able to smell the odd, sweet and disgusting from distances normally reserved for bloodhounds and delicately-calibrated, sensitive science equipment. That and the ability to wake up in a completely rested state in the middle of the night and solve many of the world's problems, write songs and stories and wrestle with the most complicated issues of our times. Useless.

When I eventually do fall asleep for the remainder of the cursed night, I awake in the morning feeling as if I have been beaten in the head with a burlap sack full of quarters and force-fed six quarts of Prohibition-Grade Bathtub Gin. I am growling, bestubbled zombie with bloodshot eyes and a disposition to match and do not usually fully gain consciousness until nearly noon most days. Except for weekends - I feel a little better about those and approach the tired mornings with a bit more zeal... Ironic, huh?


I should be severely disciplined for the way I treat my frazzled bedclothes. The sheets are usually wound and twisted as if I were taking part in a third-story prison escape and my pillows look like they have been put through a wood-chipper. I may even be trying to eat the Goddamned things - I have no idea. This type of behavior should not be tolerated and it might be a good idea if someone came over every night and darted me with a tranquilizer gun.


I sleep in five basic positions: 1) On my back. I don't know if this is good for me or bad, but it breaks up the monotony of the other positions. 2) On my left side, fetal position, right arm tucked under the pillow, left hand gather up some twisted sheets and shooting between my knees. 3) On my right side, same exact configuration, only reversed. 4) Face down, head left, left leg brought up at an angle so that my legs resemble the number 4. Right arm under pillow, left hand somehow supporting my head so it doesn't suffocate its stupid self. 5) Face down, head right, otherwise reversed. The legs now resemble the number 4 reversed. I don't know what any of this means, but I'm nearly certain it means something and even more certain that this something can't be good.

I have tried over-the-counter sleep aids - in fact, one package I bought was labeled simply "Nighttime Sleep Aid". Fair enough, I thought. Even though this particular brand boasted that it "DOES NOT CONTAIN PAIN RELIEVER", I figured I'd give it a shot. Pain reliever would have been a bonus - I usually have some sort of pain somewhere too, but beggars can't be choosers.

I took a few of the Nighttime Sleep Aid tablets - the instructions said to take two, but since there was no pain reliever and I had no Scotch, I upped the dosage to a more sensible level- it was just good science. After all, I was trying to combat a low-tier Super-Power. I fell asleep easily enough, which was misleading because I fall asleep easily enough every night. The real test was going to be when the bells chimed two.


I woke up sometime around the usual time - I couldn't be sure, since the Sleep Aids were trying to fight my late-night wakefulness. So I was awake and very drowsy. I could not solve the world's problems, nor was the late-night concerto I was working on given any real consideration. I just lay there awake and very drowsy. I mumbled some in a language that might have been picked up on a radio broadcast and somehow stored in the back of my mind for just such an occasion and might have laughed aloud at a joke I told in this foreign tongue that would have made no sense at all in our language. It is probably the same language that considered the reversed number 4 of my face down, head-right sleeping position an actual official number.

I am anxious to see how this all shakes out. I have heard that exercise might help me sleep, but the few times I have tried this, I have usually pulled something and wished for Sleep Aids with a generous dose of pain reliever included. I may try this again, but only as a last resort. I have heard of some exotic vegetables and the magical power of turkey's tryptophan. I may try the veggies, if they don't look too weird or taste bad and who doesn't love turkey?

My point is, if someone says they sleep like a baby, offer to dart them with a tranquilizer gun.