WANTED: Mystery Monkey - May be dangerous...

I know, Dear Readers, that you are probably sick and tired of hearing my paranoid, uber-phobic ravings about the many perils that surround us in the form of nature and the beasts and monsters who assist nature in its attempts to run mankind off the road of survival. And that's fine.

Let's talk about monkeys.

I have written ad-nauseum about the dangers of these little human-like critters and it seems that every couple of months, a new monkey-terror crops up to make me look like some kind of magnificent seer of primate conspiracy against man.

Planet of the Apes - Coming soon, for reals!

There was the lady who had her face eaten off by an angry chimp bent on escape and the recent snatching and subsequent brutalization of a nature-park tour guide by a gang of rogue punk-monkeys, who pulled the unfortunate guide under a safety fence and dragged him around the Ape-Fields of Terror by his feet for awhile until he was rescued by other park personnel. He was hauled to safety before the marauding chimps could get around to eating his face off.

As much as we like to think that monkeys are the adorable creatures like Cheetah from the Tarzan movies, or little miniature people that we can dress up in precise, teeny human clothing to the delight of all in attendance, I say these fuckers are dangerous. "Lancelot Link - Secret Chimp" set us back decades in our natural fear and wariness of the creatures and I can only shudder to think how many organ grinders have met their makers via a face-eating little prancer dressed as a tiny ponce.

Lance Link - Secret Chimp

Perhaps my song "Monkey Fire" was written in a subconscious fugue state of wishful thinking.

"Monkey Fire", by Jerry Ford

The latest perpetration of Monkey-Atrocity On Man is the case of Tampa Bay, Florida's "Mystery Monkey" an adorable rhesus macaque who has apparently been on the loose in the town for a few years now and has "become a popular figure among locals in the Tampa Bay area...The monkey has been spotted hopping around and making itself at home in several Pasco and Pinellas County neighborhoods." - this according to the Yahoo News article I skimmed.

  "Officials are not sure where the monkey came from, but a popular theory is that it became separated from a troop of wild monkeys in a state park around 118 miles north of its current stalking ground," the monkey's website states. "The troop descended from animals originally imported to star in early Tarzan films."

First off, I believe that the term "troop", while cute, is far too regimented for use in describing a group of monkeys, who (if I am to believe what I see on television and in the movies) are anything but disciplined. More like a bunch of furry little Marx Brothers. Secondly, why was the little critter still on the loose in the first place? From the Yahoo article: "The creature, native to southern Asia, has been shot several times by tranquilizer darts and has proved equally elusive in urban areas as in dense woodland. Seemingly unfazed by humans, it has been spotted several times relaxing beside people’s swimming pools."

Also from Yahoo News: "Until Monday, the monkey remained a harmless, fun-to-follow animal for Floridians. But that all changed when it bit a St. Petersburg woman several times as she sat outside her home."

That's right, then everything changed. Now, There is a dragnet around the area and residents are being told to stay indoors and For The Love Of Christ, don't leave your pet-food outside. Apparently, feeding the little bastard only makes him want to come back and eat your face off.

Mystery Monkey - Wanted For Biting and Terrorizing Humans

 

Searchers are armed with tranquilizer guns and hopefully this situation will end peacefully with the Mystery Monkey reunited with his troop with nothing more than a Diazepan hangover, but you can bet it won't be long before the locals take to the streets with torches, pitchforks and handfuls of peanuts to lure the little beast out of hiding and take care of the situation on their own terms, probably burning him alive in a windmill - that's how old-school vigilante posses roll.

 

In the meantime, be wary, Floridians. You never know when the Mystery Monkey, once beloved by thousands, may drop from the trees and eat your face off.