Ants, Mosquitos and Moths, oh my...

Anyone who even knows me in passing is probably aware of my many phobias and misgivings when it comes to nature and the dastardly creatures which inhabit it. I have already written at length on a variety of subjects pertaining to our eventual demise at the hands of apes, sharks, ants, bears, lions, or the vicious teeth of the wolverine, if not to flood, hurricane, black-plague, lava or fire.

It is mosquito season and I am covered in bites from these bloodthirsty little bastards and have scratched myself nearly to the bone attempting to rid my flesh of their evil itch. Then last night, I found myself under attack by not one, but two kamikaze moths. I had been reading in the chair by the bed under the "big" light and had thought I'd seen something flitter by in the room out of the corner of my eye. When I moved to the bed to continue my reading, I switched off the big light and turned on the gentle yellow glow of the bedside lamp.

And that was my fatal mistake.

The giant moth wasted no time in carpet-bombing me as I tucked in. I squealed like a four year-old girl and swatted ineffectually at the air as the moth disappeared into the surrounding darkness. I eventually swatted the fiend with a heavy envelope and picked up the remains with a tissue for disposal. I saw, with no little disgust, that the moth had left a smear of dust-like goo on the dresser where he had crashed, like a little, disgusting evil crop-duster. I cleaned up the mess and returned to my bed, feeling very much like the Great White Hunter, only to be attacked by a smaller swashbuckling relative, which I dispatched in short order.

The Devil's Little Crop-Duster

This led me to start thinking: What good are moths, anyhow. And mosquitoes and ants, for that matter. These devilish little minions of Satan surely serve some purpose, other than to leave unsightly blemishes on my tender skin and to spray me with devil-dust. So, off to the World Wide Web I went.

And this is what I found...

Regarding Moths:

"The most notable moth is the silkworm, the larva of the domesticated moth Bombyx mori. It is farmed for the silk with which it builds its cocoon.

Butterflies and moths are indicators of a healthy environment and healthy ecosystems and are an important element of the food chain as they are prey for birds, bats and other insectivorous animals."

So, in summary, some moths create silk. The rest are simply dowdy butterflies without the elegant clothing who serve as chum for other flying creatures, which are most-likely equally worthless.

Let the Great Extermination begin, I say. Who needs ugly little cropdusting versions of the butterfly when we have the real thing?

Regarding Mosquitoes:

"Mosquito larvae are aquatic insects, and as such, play an important role in the aquatic food chain. According to Dr. Gilbert Waldbauer in The Handy Bug Answer Book, 'mosquito larvae are filter feeders that strain tiny organic particles such as unicellular algae from the water and convert them to the tissues of their own bodies, which are, in turn, eaten by fish.' Mosquito larvae are, in essence, nutrient-packed snacks for fish and other aquatic animals.

 Their role on the bottom of the food chain doesn't end at the larval stage, of course. As adults, mosquitoes serve as equally nutritious meals for birds, bats, and spiders.

 As much as we loathe them, mosquitoes represent a considerable biomass of food for wildlife on the lower rungs of the food chain. Their extinction, were it even achievable, would have an enormous adverse affect on the entire ecosystem."

Oh, how I wish it were achievable. And promptly so, the entire ecosystem be damned. Apparently, the larvae of the mosquito is somewhat useful for feeding fish. So  be it, I am all for their consumption. But there should be a manner in which the skeeter is efficiently dealt with after their hatching, perhaps by establishing huge flocks of predatory fowl who actually enjoy the taste of the bloodthirsty little bastards near the hatching ground. And keep the flocks hungry, like fighting dogs or cocks. This would make them all the more voracious and less likely to let any hatchlings through their snapping beaks. This would take some work, of course, but no good has ever come from anything conceived through sloth.

Regarding Ants:

"Ants are scavengers, cleaning up dead plants and animals. You'll often see ants swarming around dead insects or even carrying them back to the anthill. Ants also provide food for birds, other insects, and mammals. Some large animals live entirely on ants and other insects, and even chimpanzees sometimes eat ants!

Ants are also studied by scientists because they work together so well. Ants and bees are very interesting because of this cooperation. We still don't understand all the things that make them work together, but they are capable of some amazing feats."

So ants are organized. If I want to study examples of exemplary organization, I will watch documentaries on the Nazis on The History Channel. Otherwise, ants are good at cleaning up carcasses. If I need a carcass cleared away, I will call dead-animal pick up. When all is said and done, the ant is just another food group for birds, other insects and mammals, all of whom could easily change their eating habits should the ant disappear. Especially the chimps - fuck those guys. They eat what they can get. Take away their ants and maybe they'll think twice before they start eating our faces off.

In closing: These three insects serve no real purpose and should be eliminated altogether from our ecosystems. When I am King, I will immediately put our most intelligent scientists to work on means to make this happen. And I will make certain the scientists are hungry, it will only serve to make them work harder, faster and with more diligence.

Remember, vote Jerry Ford for King in the upcoming election and rid yourself of those unsightly blemishes.