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Monday, October 31, 2011

A Note to the Facilities Department of an Anonymous Fortune 500 Company...

TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 2010

To: Facilities From: Jerry Ford: Subject: Men’s Restroom, ****

To Whom It May Concern:

First of all, I would like to thank you for the prompt response to my letter of the 15th regarding the stagnant water pool near the smoking area by the volleyball courts. As you know, this could be an ideal breeding ground for mosquitoes and other bloodthirsty parasites that could possibly trigger an epidemic of West Nile Virus, or Valley Fever, which could actually decimate the smokers and their ilk quicker and even more efficiently than the aggressive cancers which will inevitably ravage their
voiceboxes and lungs, but I digress. Dumping 7 metric tons of kitty litter into the swamp was genius, although now we seem to have created a quagmire of quicksand that may prove dangerous in its stead. What toll this will take on the smokers only time will tell, but I call it a worthwhile and equitable tradeoff.

Also, the cleverly placed wasp-nest you jokesters attached to the underside of my desk was quite the folly. I suppose this was an affectionate practical joke to let me know that you appreciate my humble letters suggesting minor (but logical!)improvements to our building and grounds. Who would have known that such a small nest could hold so many wasps?! And on a side-note, I might have never discovered my allergy to wasp-stings were it not for your little prank. Anyhow, once the fog of pesticide had cleared and the emergency medical personnel had gone, and the talented backwoods gentleman in the fancy bee-keeper outfit had safely removed the nest, we
had quite the chuckle here in Learning and Development.

However, regarding the bathroom here at the home building: I was mildly chagrined to find that both of the motion-sensor paper-towel dispensers had stopped working after washing my hands yesterday, leaving myself and any other unfortunate users with no other recourse than waving our hands about like Al Jolson in blackface and wiping them on our trousers to get them dry. Now, I am a fan of technology as much as any other – in fact, I believe that once I get past the inconvenient habit of leaving my IPod, cellphone and any other miniature technological gizmo in my pants pocket and running them unmercifully through the laundry every other month, I will truly become a diehard fan.

But technology aside, does it not make sense to save money by forgoing the state of the art, motion sensors in favor of a reliable one with a hand crank? It’s not like I’m asking to return to hand-churned ice cream, though that would be a delight, or
silent films, I simply want to feel secure in the knowledge that I can wash my hands and saunter over to a paper towel machine and find a paper towel hanging there, instead of hermetically sealed inside the opaque machinery like the Goddamn Declaration of Independence. A side note: Beating the machine did little good; it only sprayed the water from my clean, clenched fists around the bathroom like a lawn sprinkler.

I know that there are some that will argue that the motion sensors prevent the spread of germs that can spread disease and famine and world hunger, but I beg to argue with these sissified morons that my hands are fucking clean when Iapproach the towel dispenser. In fact, that’s why I approached the dispenser in the first place – I just got done WASHING MY FUCKING HANDS. So hold your germophobic water until you get home and dry your hands on the nice “clean” linen towel on which your goddamned inbred, retarded syphilitic son probably wiped a booger from one of his six-fingered hands when he got done rubbing one out on your bathmat. That’s right, Lord Fauntleroy, play it safe.

I don’t mean to sound like sour grapes or anything – I just want to dry my hands on something other than my britches. I knowwhat goes on down there and that’s three weeks of sick days just waiting to happen.

As always, if there is anything I can do to assist, do not hesitate to let me know.

Regards, Jerry Ford

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