Monsters - The Skinny

I have been watching a television show on legendary monsters, which only makes me further doubt my ability to manage my time in a responsible fashion. I could be watching the news, learning about the folks who want to take over Wall Street, or about the nuts and bolts of how our nation has gone into the shitter or whether our current choice for the Presidential Punching Bag is good or bad. I could be discovering a cure for cancer, finding a means, illegal or otherwise, to get my wife back into the country, or reading a good book. Instead, I'm watching a melodramatic documentary on the non-existence of the Loch Ness Monster, The Yeti, Sasquatch, werewolves and vampires. The fact that I already know these things do not exist does not dissuade me from watching this fiddle-faddle. In fact, it makes it easier, since I don't have to burn a lot of calories following along and trying to come to a logical conclusion.

On the other hand, every documentary I watch concerning ancient aliens being the brains behind the great pyramids, crop circles, giant drawings of wildlife only visible from the air - not to mention the Mayan timetable and Antikythera mechanism only serve to make me more convinced that we are being endlessly hounded by creatures from another world. What an irony it would be if the unidentifiable other-worldly beings behind these enduring mysteries turned out to be vampires, werewolves or really smart Yetis.

The difference between aliens from another planet and these mysterious creatures of lore is the fact that aliens have the ability to disappear - they simply hop in their space-mobiles and head out. Vampires, werewolves, Yetis, Bigfoot and Nessy do not have this luxury - they are forced to die among us. And the fact that we have never found a bone, dwelling, carcass or piece of scat from any of these creatures should close the book on the matter. The fact that most of the photos, grainy video and eyewitness accounts have proven to be bullshit should further poo-poo the existence of these monstuary icons. The same cannot be said of the aliens, however. It's like believing in God - you can't prove He exists, but you can't prove He doesn't. That said, I've seen a UFO and I have yet to have an encounter with anything even remotely resembling a messenger from The Lord. Unless you count a gal I once met in the parking lot of a Denny's in 1987. She was heavenly, but no angel...

I digress. If you have been paying attention, you may have noticed that I have not mentioned the Frankenstein Monster. I doubt that Mary Shelley was writing an accurate expose on the creation of a man-made monster, but the fact that we haven't seen this one come to fruition at this point does not mean that it won't one day. We are cloning sheep and rats and it won't be long until we clone a monkey, then at some point, a human baby... Frankenstein's Monster may one day walk among us - the fun comes when we find out if it's been cloned from Mother Teresa or Hannibal Lector.

Happy Halloween!