On Exercise...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010
On Exercising...
Current mood: indifferent
Category: Blogging

I have come to the conclusion, after much deliberation and many years of diligent research, that it is important to keep exercising once you have started. However, if you have gotten out of the habit and taken on a life of pleasant lethargy, let it go – move on with your happy, sedentary life. I spent most of my youth and a good portion of my early adulthood – until bad habits and apathy left me largely unmotivated – exercising in a wide variety of ways. I used to play baseball, basketball, tennis, golf (mostly in a cart, however, and the only mode of exercise I still endorse) and football. I also used to hike, walk, ride a bicycle, do calisthenics (in grade school, against my will) and run from the law.

I got into the restaurant business in my late twenties and was trapped there, like a rat in a maze, for twenty years. I spent most of that time on my feet, working long hours with inconsistent rest and eating on the run. I still managed to put on a bunch of weight, while taxing my feet, back and generally positive outlook. I managed to pry myself away from the food business and went to work at an Anonymous Fortune 500 Company that deals in the selling, distribution and maintenance of technology. This job allows me to sit on my duff for most of the day, staring at a computer monitor and eating a variety of free food offered sometimes thrice weekly in the lobby. The computer has ruined my eyesight and the free donuts, muffins, eggs and fried pork bi-products have allowed me to put on an extra twenty pounds and added stress on my feet, back and generally positive outlook . So, this is easy, you might say to yourself – just get out of your chair and do some good, old-fashioned exercising.

This is a fantastic idea and one which I have embraced many times over the past few years, right up until the point that I inevitably throw my back out putting a fabric softener sheet into the dryer. This means yet another trip to the doctor, physical therapy and stretching, three or four days on the couch with ice and heat, and a healthy dose of pain-killers, muscle relaxants and brandy chasers. Not a bad way to spend one’s day, if one were not in constant nagging pain. Eventually, my back heals up and I go back to work, forgoing the donuts and fried sausage – maybe just a banana for breakfast – gotta lose some weight! I work up the courage to exercise and all is well for a week or two, then SNAP! There goes the back again and the cycle repeats itself. Again and again and a-miserable-gain.

I am now so skittish about throwing my back out that it takes me five minutes to put on my shoes and socks, assuming positions known only to yogis, circus contortionists and people who have fallen out of airplanes, just to protect my tender lower lumbar. I’m thinking that exercise should be abandoned and I might as well resume my consumption of enjoyable foods, because I can’t really kick this cycle of pain, healing and relapse into more pain. Then, if I gain enough weight, I can get one of those little carts you see at the supermarket with the basket on the front, load it up with Ding Dongs and Single-Malt Scotch and begin the stage of my life where I become truly defiant and annoying to those around me.

We all must have a dream…

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