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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

2012 - End of the World?

Monday, July 19, 2010
2012 - End of the World?
Current mood: pugnacious
Category: Blogging

It is my opinion that if the world is indeed going to end in the year 2012, I seriously doubt that it would be a stretch limo that ends up successfully delivering cargo to the airport through the city of Los Angeles that is literally falling to pieces, as the movie 2012 leads us to believe. It will probably be some sort of tank or one of those ultra-bitchin Hummers that the football players drive. And as much as it breaks my heart to see a pretty Los Angeles-area golf course fall into the abyss created by the devastating fissures of the world-ending earthquakes, I have always thought it would be nice if ....California.... fell into the sea – nothing personal against the Californians. This would suddenly turn the property I purchased in Yuma at rock-bottom prices in 1987 into luxury beach-front property, giving me not only access to the once angry ocean that would now gently lap at the shore of my private beach, but also quadruple the land values if I grew bored with gazing over the ocean and chose to sell.

I watch Cusack drive a Winnebago through the mountainous desert, again narrowly avoiding catastrophe with a few daring hairpin turns and deft applications of brake and accelerator. Wait a minute – now he’s outrunning the hellish firestorm on foot, once again barely getting onto the aircraft and into the sky just in time for the surrounding terrain to collapse unto itself in a sea of dust and fire. Such is the beauty and genius of ....Hollywood..... I am not certain I would have the energy to avoid the inevitable and my last glimpse of earth would most likely be seen through a haze of cowardly tears.

All of this 2012 Armageddon footage made me take pause to think: What in the world would I want to make certain I accomplished in the face of certain global destruction? First off, I know that I will not be invited onto one of the fantastic, state-of-the-art arks that would be launched to save the rich, the powerful and the genius, regardless of the wit I show again and again in these writings. So, in the event I would happen to survive on my own, this is what I would wish:

- First off, put me near Oliver Platt, who has shown a remarkable resiliency to adversity, be it the flopping of perfectly good films to which he has been attached, such as “Funny Bones”, or the humiliation of such dogs as“Year One”, or the portrayal of the presidential advisor in “2012”. If anyone is going to make it onto the last bus out, it’s going to be Oliver Platt. I want to be his buddy.

- Secondly, get me to a pharmacy before things go all apeshit – I want to make certain I am well-stocked with amphetamines, narcotics and hallucinogens, plus a satchel full of cold medicine, eyedrops and nasal spray. Just in case I make it through the earthquakes, fires and flooding, I would hate to have to start the new world battling the flu or a painful migraine. And I certainly don’t want to do it without being altered.

- Lastly, lets make sure Raquel Welch is safe and sound. Though I am certain she has voiced the opinion that she would not make love to me if I were the last man on earth, especially after the whole restraining order and ongoing lawsuit over a couple of innocent misunderstandings, let’s see how strong her resolve when I am truly the last man on earth.

I don’t know if even having Sylvester Stallone as president would be of any help rescuing mankind from such a terrifying catastrophe, but I would still rather see him in charge rather than Danny Glover. It is my opinion that once you’ve seen a man fearing for his life while seated on a toilet wired with explosives, he loses some of the regal credibility necessary to appear presidential on film. I am nearly certain of this.

So give me Sly to run interference, give me a sultry Raquel Welch and give me a handful of uppers, downers and powerful blotter acid – we’ve got a world to populate and by God, I’m going to do what I can to help.

I’ll be patiently waiting.

"A Bunny Screaming" and other books by Jerald L. Ford available at:

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