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Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Best Defense is a Strong Offense

FADE IN:

INT. JERRY'S CAR (Nighttime). Colored lights swirl in the rearview mirror. Jerry has been pulled over by the local constabulary.
                                                                JERRY
               (Looking in his rearview mirror at the pretty lights. Slurs) Goddamn it...

A POLICE OFFICER shines his flashlight into the driver's side window. Jerry squints and smiles.

                                                                  JERRY
                 Good evening...

                                                                   OFFICER
                  Do you know why I pulled you over, Sir?

Jerry blinks and squints and thinks for a moment.

                                                                    JERRY
                   To tell me the winning lottery numbers, lest I neglect to check on my own?

                                                                    OFFICER
                    May I see your license and registration, please?

                                                                     JERRY
                    Of course. (Rummages through his glove box for the materials)

                                                                      OFFICER
                    Your car smells like a brewery, sir. (He takes the paperwork in hand)

                                                                       JERRY
                     (Nods) Yes, sir. We were brewing beer in here earlier. Tomorrow, we are stomping wine grapes. It's part of a reality series on mobile distilleries.

                                                                       OFFICER
                      Your eyes are red and your pupils are dilated.

                                                                       JERRY
                      (Nods) I am part albino. It's a curse, truly.

                                                                       OFFICER
                      (Nods) I see. (Shines his light into the back seat - a blow-up sex dummy waits invitingly, mouth wide open, either in surprise or welcome) Is this part of  your reality series?

                                                                        JERRY
                       (Nods) Yes sir. That's Rita.

                                                                         OFFICER
                       (Shines his light onto the floorboard, revealing a WWII-era flamethrower)
                        And that?

                                                                        JERRY
                        Yes sir. It helps with the distilling process. It's pretty technical.

There is a banging noise from the trunk.
                                                                     
                                                                        OFFICER
                         What's that?

                                                                        JERRY
                          Search me... I think I need to speak to my lawyer...

Jerry hands the officer a well-worn business card.

                                                                        OFFICER
(Shines his flashlight on the card) Gerald Gavin, is it?

                                                                        JERRY
                            (Nods and smiles) Esquire.

                                                                        OFFICER
                            I'll be right back... (The officer goes back to his car to call the attorney)

The thumping continues.

                                                                         JERRY
                             (Shouts) SHUT UP, TAGGART, OR WE'RE ALL GOING TO PRISON!

The thumping stops.

The officer walks back to the car.

                                                                          OFFICER
                               (Hands Jerry the card) I'm afraid your attorney is in jail, sir...

                                                                           JERRY
                                Jail?

                                                                           OFFICER
                                Custody, yes...

                                                                           JERRY
                                (Sighs and shakes his head) Fuck.... Again?

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