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Monday, June 3, 2013

My Baby Name List Is Cooler Than Yours.

A friend and colleague at work is having a baby. It's going to be a boy when it emerges and I have, for several months now, made various suggestions as to the moniker of the little tyke, most of which have been met with disdain.

Since the choices I have offered up to this point have been mostly whimsical, I have decided to pen the ultimate Baby Name List, using logic, history and phonetics to come up with the coolest male baby names from which to choose. Girl names are easy - simply avoid names like Edith, Gertrude and  Eloise. And stripper-names - avoid those, too.

The surname of the family with which I have to work is of an excellent naming base. Two syllables, both hard stops - as if it has been clipped neatly from the name-tree. "Richards". This is a fine name for pairing one, two or three syllable first-names, which gives us a broad canvas on which to paint. But let's talk first about the basics of baby-naming.

It seems to me that baby names fall into two logical categories:

"Names Which Ring True" Names Which Ring True are names that elicit reaction as they are spoken, and these fall into several sub-categories, such as "Phonetically Pleasing", which are names that just seem to roll off the tongue in a pleasant fashion. Dana Carvey, Helen Hunt and Mickey Mantle are examples of these. Easy to say with a smile on your face. These names ring true at a visceral level.
"Historically Noble" is another sub-category. Names that are culled from history, such as Alexander, Jesus, Noah and Christopher are practically torn from the pages of history and each name brings a historical figure immediately to mind. This can backfire, however, with names like Adolf, Saddam, Lee Harvey and Milhouse. Make your historically-based choices carefully.
"Sports Figures and Other Celebrities" is the last of the major "Ring True" sub-categories and is probably one of the most popular. Movie stars, characters from movies, books and TV as well as cultural icons all fall under this umbrella. How many babies have been named "Britney", "Justin" or "Lindsay" in the last 15 years, anyhow? You get the point.

"Names of Predisposition" Names of this type are the most dangerous of all. Stripper names fall into this category. "Destiny", "Angel", "Candy", "Raven", "Houston" and "Anastasia" should be avoided at all costs. Since this is a male-based name search, we will leave it at that. Predisposition is almost like a science experiment. Names chosen in this fashion nearly guarantee the profession and life-course of the child. The names "Peabody" and "Poindexter" will most likely make you the proud parent of a librarian or civil engineer. "Jerry Lee" anything will provide your offspring with the likeliest chance of living in a trailer, owning a cache of firearms and taking a potshot at a political, religious or equal rights public figure with the firearms.

Now, down to work on Baby Richards.Here is a logical list, based on our criteria, broken down by group:

Names Which Ring True

Phonetically Pleasing:
  • Kent Richards
  • Blair Richards
  • Brock Richards
  • Phillip Richards
  • Bradley Richards
These names just sound nice - people would enjoy saying them and might always choose to use both first and last names when addressing your son, which is the ultimate show of respect in some countries.

Historically Noble:
  • Grant Richards
  • Beauregard Richards
  • Sherman Richards
  • Lincoln Richards
  • Kennedy Richards
  • Sampson Richards
  • Aristotle Richards
  • Einstein Richards
  • Washington Richards
  • Crispus Richards
These names are regal. Any man would be proud to sign "Beauregard Richards" to any legal document. In fact, I may start doing so immediately.

Sports Figures and other Celebrities:
  • Cassius Richards
  • Babe Richards
  • Frazier Richards
  • Rocky Richards
  • Clooney Richards
  • Pitt Richards
  • Bourne Richards
  • Marlowe Richards
  • Bogart Richards
  • Cary Richards
  • Orson Richards
  • Dino Richards
  • Huck Richards
You get the idea. This is probably the most fun category and I really like "Pitt Richards" - that boy will be an adventurer for certain. Good looking kid, too, most likely.

As a footnote, any Earp is a keen baby name: Wyatt, Morgan, Virgil... All will kick ass and grow a fantastic mustache.

I don't want to get too in-depth on the predisposal - I think this category is a powder keg. That said, if you would like your child to grow up to be a flamboyant piano player, go with the name "Elton", or "Liberace" - "Lee", for short. Or, you could utilize the baby-name double-tap and name the child "Elton Liberace Richards" - this would guarantee for certain that your son will grow up with a penchant for feathers, plumes, capes and gaudy jewelry. And a wicked talent for "tickling the ivories", so to speak.

I hope this helps, or at least gets you started. Jerry Ford, here to help.

1 comment:

  1. I spoke to my niece today. She likes a guy named "Destin Storm". I said, "Dust Storm"!? (She lives in Mississippi, I didn't understand her) So his new nick name as far as I'm concerned is Monsoon. Lol

    The only part you forgot was to say the name angry and fast for times he might be in trouble. My Grandma (rip) would yell Debora Renee'!! And her false teeth would drop. Made me laugh my ass off.... Which in turn caused her to whoop my ass harder. Very important detail in choosing baby names.

    Love the way you write!