Dubai - Land of Mystery

I was reading today about the Royal Family of Dubai being robbed in London while there on a visit. Robberies happen all the time I suppose and there is no reason why the Royal Family of Dubai should be immune. It could have simply been dumb luck that a random robber stumbled onto a Royal Victim and collected a better-than-usual payday with his stroke of robbery luck. And kudos to him - hard work and dumb-luck once again positively reinforced.

But this was not the case.

This pair of intrepid criminal masterminds instead brilliantly executed a well thought-out plan to relieve the Dubaian Royals of their holiday spending cash - some 2 million pounds, or just over 3 million American smackeroos. KA-CHING! You might be asking yourself, how did they pull off such a caper? Well, they simply waited outside the London bank where the family had gone to pick up their 3-million dollars in walking-around money and asked them nicely to hand over the two black briefcases stuffed with neat stacks of bills or they would "shoot their face off".

After collecting the loot, the gun-toting, would-be face-shooting robber ordered the family and their attending faction into a coffee shop next door to the bank, under the threat of more imminent face-shooting action and fled on foot to a waiting car.

The getaway driver and the cash were recovered shortly thereafter, along with the ID of the well-heeled strong-arm man. It will only be a matter of time before he is under lock and key as well and everyone can live happily ever after and our robbers will have plenty of down time to plan their next ingenious heist.

This is not, however, why I am writing today.

The Dubaian Royal Family is headed up by Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, who is a Sheikh and the Prime Minister and Vice President of the United Arab Emirates, as well as Absolute Monarch of Dubai, which has a tremendous ring to it. If I were not so deep in my campaign to be King, I would ditch the effort altogether and take up the cause of being elected as our Absolute Monarch. Sheikh Mohammed is one impressive dude - if in title only.

Apparently, his security detail is not quite as impressive, having chosen to give up the briefcases of Sheikh paper-money under the threat of having their faces shot off. If I know my Absolute Monarchs, there is no doubt a couple of Chiefs-of-Royal-Security who have been dispatched in short order and whose heads now rest on high, bejeweled poles as a stern warning to any others who might take exception to having their faces shot off in lieu of handing over the Royal Vacation Cash.

Now, I don't even know if the Sheikh was on hand for this humiliating episode - I prefer to think that he was lounging on some overstuffed pillows someplace, being hand-fed grapes and fanned with a huge osterich feather by saucy exotic women in "I Dream of Jeannie" costumes. But I am convinced he was probably immediately notifed of the daring robbery, as soon as the Chiefs-of-Royal-Security got their feeble excuses together and had those responsible promptly shipped back to the palace and summarily and efficiently eliminated. That's how the Absolute Monarchs roll.

But my question is this - do they not have debit cards in Dubai? Why on Allah's Green Earth would you need to have three million in walking-around money? Charge it to the room, for Chrissakes, or have the Royal bookkeeper take care of it once vacation is over. Howsabout one of those fancy black Amex cards - the kind that only Seth MacFarland and Paul McCartney can afford? Three mil in CASH? Really? What kind of cash purchases are you making, anyhow, Sheikh? I understand that with a "Senior" wife and all your "Junior" wives and your 24 "officially recognized" children that vacations can get a little pricy and that the bric-a-brac kiosks sometimes accept only cash, as well as the sno-cone vendors. And if you and the fellas are sneaking off for some "Sheik-Time", hookers and cocaine dealers often prefer cash. But in what world are you operating that three million US dollars in paper currency could possibly be necessary??? Just askin'. And apparently everyone knew it, since Tweedle Rob and Tweedle Drive were able to track you down to the bank and threaten to shoot your face off.

I tell you, when I am King, I will run things in a lot more efficient manner, would-be robbers be damned. And I will not need cash to do so. I promise.

Remember to support Jerry Ford for King in the next election. It will be a write-in, so vote early and vote often.