Ants, Mosquitos and Moths, oh my...

Anyone who even knows me in passing is probably aware of my many phobias and misgivings when it comes to nature and the dastardly creatures which inhabit it. I have already written at length on a variety of subjects pertaining to our eventual demise at the hands of apes, sharks, ants, bears, lions, or the vicious teeth of the wolverine, if not to flood, hurricane, black-plague, lava or fire.

It is mosquito season and I am covered in bites from these bloodthirsty little bastards and have scratched myself nearly to the bone attempting to rid my flesh of their evil itch. Then last night, I found myself under attack by not one, but two kamikaze moths. I had been reading in the chair by the bed under the "big" light and had thought I'd seen something flitter by in the room out of the corner of my eye. When I moved to the bed to continue my reading, I switched off the big light and turned on the gentle yellow glow of the bedside lamp.

And that was my fatal mistake.

The giant moth wasted no time in carpet-bombing me as I tucked in. I squealed like a four year-old girl and swatted ineffectually at the air as the moth disappeared into the surrounding darkness. I eventually swatted the fiend with a heavy envelope and picked up the remains with a tissue for disposal. I saw, with no little disgust, that the moth had left a smear of dust-like goo on the dresser where he had crashed, like a little, disgusting evil crop-duster. I cleaned up the mess and returned to my bed, feeling very much like the Great White Hunter, only to be attacked by a smaller swashbuckling relative, which I dispatched in short order.

The Devil's Little Crop-Duster

This led me to start thinking: What good are moths, anyhow. And mosquitoes and ants, for that matter. These devilish little minions of Satan surely serve some purpose, other than to leave unsightly blemishes on my tender skin and to spray me with devil-dust. So, off to the World Wide Web I went.

And this is what I found...

Regarding Moths:

"The most notable moth is the silkworm, the larva of the domesticated moth Bombyx mori. It is farmed for the silk with which it builds its cocoon.

Butterflies and moths are indicators of a healthy environment and healthy ecosystems and are an important element of the food chain as they are prey for birds, bats and other insectivorous animals."

So, in summary, some moths create silk. The rest are simply dowdy butterflies without the elegant clothing who serve as chum for other flying creatures, which are most-likely equally worthless.

Let the Great Extermination begin, I say. Who needs ugly little cropdusting versions of the butterfly when we have the real thing?

Regarding Mosquitoes:

"Mosquito larvae are aquatic insects, and as such, play an important role in the aquatic food chain. According to Dr. Gilbert Waldbauer in The Handy Bug Answer Book, 'mosquito larvae are filter feeders that strain tiny organic particles such as unicellular algae from the water and convert them to the tissues of their own bodies, which are, in turn, eaten by fish.' Mosquito larvae are, in essence, nutrient-packed snacks for fish and other aquatic animals.

 Their role on the bottom of the food chain doesn't end at the larval stage, of course. As adults, mosquitoes serve as equally nutritious meals for birds, bats, and spiders.

 As much as we loathe them, mosquitoes represent a considerable biomass of food for wildlife on the lower rungs of the food chain. Their extinction, were it even achievable, would have an enormous adverse affect on the entire ecosystem."

Oh, how I wish it were achievable. And promptly so, the entire ecosystem be damned. Apparently, the larvae of the mosquito is somewhat useful for feeding fish. So  be it, I am all for their consumption. But there should be a manner in which the skeeter is efficiently dealt with after their hatching, perhaps by establishing huge flocks of predatory fowl who actually enjoy the taste of the bloodthirsty little bastards near the hatching ground. And keep the flocks hungry, like fighting dogs or cocks. This would make them all the more voracious and less likely to let any hatchlings through their snapping beaks. This would take some work, of course, but no good has ever come from anything conceived through sloth.

Regarding Ants:

"Ants are scavengers, cleaning up dead plants and animals. You'll often see ants swarming around dead insects or even carrying them back to the anthill. Ants also provide food for birds, other insects, and mammals. Some large animals live entirely on ants and other insects, and even chimpanzees sometimes eat ants!

Ants are also studied by scientists because they work together so well. Ants and bees are very interesting because of this cooperation. We still don't understand all the things that make them work together, but they are capable of some amazing feats."

So ants are organized. If I want to study examples of exemplary organization, I will watch documentaries on the Nazis on The History Channel. Otherwise, ants are good at cleaning up carcasses. If I need a carcass cleared away, I will call dead-animal pick up. When all is said and done, the ant is just another food group for birds, other insects and mammals, all of whom could easily change their eating habits should the ant disappear. Especially the chimps - fuck those guys. They eat what they can get. Take away their ants and maybe they'll think twice before they start eating our faces off.

In closing: These three insects serve no real purpose and should be eliminated altogether from our ecosystems. When I am King, I will immediately put our most intelligent scientists to work on means to make this happen. And I will make certain the scientists are hungry, it will only serve to make them work harder, faster and with more diligence.

Remember, vote Jerry Ford for King in the upcoming election and rid yourself of those unsightly blemishes.



Things That Eat My Flesh

The hideous and nightmarish Crane Fly

I am being devoured while I sleep. Not by a sultry vixen with a striking resemblance to Raquel Welch as you might imagine, or I might wish – nay, pray – for. Not by nightmares of world Armageddon triggered by great swarms of deadly jellyfish, or reading from the good book in front of the congregation wearing nothing but my drawers. Not by a stomach disorder, insomnia or bed-wetting.

This is much more serious.

I am being devoured by creatures of the night – unseen biters that make me welt up and itch. I would assume mosquito, but I have not noted these nasty little predators flying around my dwelling. I have seen the great, terrifying crane-fly lumbering through the air and killed as many as my deft hands and limited constitution would endure. It’s not that the deft hands really had anything to do with the dispatching of these winged monsters (Google them – it’s a fright); they float with the dexterity of a misshapen balloon, which only makes them more frightening, if easier to kill. Unlike the mosquito, which are more stealth-like and vicious and harder to spot, especially without my glasses on.

Regardless of my still-keen dexterity and the ease with which the crane-flies allow themselves to be dashed from the sky, the nocturnal nibbling of my flesh continues unabated. This is not acceptable – those who know me are aware of my many phobias, including my well-documented fear of birds, wolverines, circus clowns and certain types of wood. Most of these irrational fears could probably be controlled, if not cured by years of therapy or medication, neither of which I have the patience to indulge in. Except for circus clowns – no amount of drugs or soft, wheedling talk could ever cure my disdain for these evil, devilish fuckers. We can now add “things that feed on my flesh” to the list. This would include the aforementioned mosquitoes, zombies, leeches, vampires and carrion such as hyenas and coyotes. Flying carrion, like vultures and buzzards are already included because they are birds.

But I am not writing to whine about my various and powerful phobias. I am writing because I think I may be victim to bedbug infestation. From articles I have looked at – again, I mostly skim – it appears that there is a plague of these little bastards sweeping the East coast. Even the iconic Empire State Building has not been able to escape the ravages of the bedbug and I fear that I may be the one who has carried the epidemic to my beloved desert.

It all started with my trip to Iowa to visit my daughters and my sister, who ironically has also chosen to live in Iowa. Ironic because I don’t think I have met anyone in my entire life who has made the deliberate choice to move themselves and all their stuff to Iowa, now I know half a dozen if I include my sister’s husband and daughter (who really had no say in the operation) and my daughter’s mother. Iowa to me is just West Virginia with corn. But again, I digress. I sat out on the porch at my sister’s house and was nearly eaten alive by what I assumed were mosquitoes – again, the dastardly little monsters were hard to spot; I saw nothing. I got back home and the itching and welting began in earnest, keeping me awake at night digging at the wounds and making up new curse words to adequately describe my agony.

Then, once the Iowa Bites (as I have named them) began to heal and stop itching, new ones began to appear. Not just on my calves and feet – no, not this time. Whatever little carnivore is choosing to eat me alive is moving around , catching me on my arm, my neck, my chest. At first I blamed it on the crane-fly, the idea of which was almost too hideous to bear, but after careful research found that they didn’t prey on flesh at all. I still kill them when I can, as I would any invading wolverine, zombie or circus clown. I fear that I have been infested with the bed-bug. I will continue to fight and search out any hidden predators of the night that may linger in the shadows of my darkened room, but have no fear – if this constant attack continues, I will not hesitate to burn my sheets, my bed, my clothing, an ugly dog and my apartment to spare those around me. I will set myself aflame in a blaze of sweet-smelling oils if that’s what it takes to keep the epidemic contained. Or it could be spiders – could anything be worse?

Stay tuned.