Facebook - The Skinny

Here is why I like the Facebook: Who gives a shit?

Seriously, I think the site is awesome and even more suitable as a "fast-food snack" for writing than even this silly blog, which has eaten months of valuable writing time which could have been better utilized to finish a book or two here or there. It's much easier for me to come here and write a one-page treatice on farting than to figure out how the next plot turn is going to affect the main character's arc - and should I kill the leading lady (SPOILER ALERT: uh, yes). So imagine. if you will, how enticing the world of the Facebook post is for someone like me, who likes to hit and run and get on with my life. I am amazed, however, at the laziness of some of the folks who post on the site.

I have some simple, easy-to-follow rules when it comes to posting on the social network that might assist the helpless when it comes to crafting an interesting post:

• Feel free to write about the fact that you're having breakfast. That said, there had better be a comment on the quality of the food that your are preparing/ingesting.
• The possibility of food poisoning is always a nice addition - eating expired food, or that which has been prepared in a questionable or haphazard manner will only add color to your post.
• Explosive diarrhea or projectile vomiting as a result of the meal is world-class, followed closely by uncontrollable gas and the unfortunate fate of the innocent passersby.
• The possibility (or inevitability) of fire, explosion or any other natural disaster will make any post more interesting.
• If this is of your own instigation, purposeful or not, it will only add to the drama.
• Photos of cats - even with captions, are not interesting. Mildly cute at best, I would avoid these like the plague.
• Same with babies. Fuck baby pictures.
• Dogs, too. Fuck dog pictures.
• As a rule, no one cares where you are, so there is no need to post an update of your location. Unless it involves some sordid back story of which others might have knowledge or may have suspected.
• If the food is good and the drinks cold, please tell others where you are - this is a public service.
• If there are cute, drunken ladies of questionable moral fiber going absolutely nuts someplace, feel free to share this information as well - also a public service.
• That said, use some kind of code like "the waters are flush with trout". This will eliminate the weak of mind and the non-fishermen. Depending on your location, this will eliminate the avid fishermen as well, because they will recognize the area, know immediately that there is no trout and consider you an idiot. Good for the rest of us, who can decipher such rich coded messages.
• If you want to comment on someone else's post, make it interesting.
• If someone posts an ordinary event, without involving fire, explosion or natural disaster, feel free to turn it into a filthy sexual innuendo.
• For instance, if a post reads, "It's a lovely morning - the sunrise makes me smile", take the opportunity to write "how was it - get any on you?"
• "How was it - get any on you" can be used on almost any post, if you need a quick go-to.
• So is "Yeah, you did..."
• If you feel the need to "Share" someone else's cute photo of a cat, or a witty saying that you had nothing to do with composing, make it your own, by adding your own comment in the "Share".
• For instance: "How was it - get any on you?"

I hope this humble list if helpful hints is useful as you troll the foul waters of the social network. Hopefully, your pond with be flush with trout and you don't get any on you. Yeah, you did.
Please note, this document is suitable for framing.

"No Problem."

Wednesday, September 08, 2010
"No Problem."
Current mood: Argumentative
Category: Blogging

You know what I really hate? I really hate when I thank someone for something – anything, really – and they respond with “no problem”. I don’t know why this bugs me as much as it does, but it seems snarky and dismissive. I would rather hear the classic “you’re welcome”, or my personal favorite – “my pleasure”, which provides the same closure to the thanks, only with a colorful flourish.

“No problem” should only be used in instances where strength, cunning or loyalty is involved.

Example 1: “Can you lift that boulder, Hercules?” “No problem…”

Example 2: “Do you think you can defuse the bomb before the orphanage is destroyed?” “No problem.”

Example 3: “That sonofabitch put me here – if only he would have a tragic accident, he couldn’t give testimony – you think you can take care of that, Chicky?” Chicky: “No problem.”

Used in these contexts, “no problem” is comforting; heroic, even. No longer the dismissive response that alludes that one hasn’t wasted too much of the thankee’s time, it becomes a strong, positive phrase – “you betcha– can-do. I got this one…”

Other acceptable means as a response to “thank you” could be “not at all”, which is breezy and courteous; and “it was nothing…”, which comes off as self-deprecating and humble. On the other hand, one sprightly offshoot of “no problem” can be perfectly acceptable as a response as well. An offhanded “no-problemo” is infectious and cute, especially when used with the forefinger/thumb circle “okay” hand gesture.

I’m not trying to be sensitive, here – but it seems a crime with all the delightful options open to us along these lines, that we should settle for a lumbering phrase such as “no problem” to respond to the simple words “thank you”. Let’s get back some of our grammatical class – first of all, stop abbreviating every goddamn word in your text messages – it gives me a headache to try and decipher all the “How R U” and “LOL” and “ROFLOL” and “OMG” messages that are sent. I can figure them out with enough time and some of the biggies have been committed to memory, but for Chrissakes, if there is a bomb that is going to go off in the orphanage that I might have to heroically disarm, the last thing I need to get is this: “OMG F’ng TNT BAM 2 scared 2 move – pls SOS.”

WTF?

Okay, that’s another battle, but for now, can we at least consider putting a little bit of thought and feeling into responding to someone who has taken the time to appreciate our solid efforts and offer up a “thank you”? Let’s give them a heady “Not At All!”, and add a jaunty wave if you like. Save the “No problem” for when you have to move a boulder, Hercules.

Watch Jerry bitch about stuff in his video blog at:
http://www.youtube.com/user/TooFarJerry#p/f