Sea Snakes - Really?

"There are some 50 different species of sea snakes, and all of them are venomous. They thrive in abundance along the coast from the Persian Gulf to Japan and around Australia and Melanesia. Their venom is 10 times as virulent as that of the cobra. Humans bitten by them have died within 24 hours."

This from a friend's post on Facebook. As if I need yet another reason to avoid setting foot in the ocean. Sharks, jellyfish, stingrays, depth, salt and the movies "Castaway" and "A Perfect Storm" apparently aren't enough - now I have to worry about poisonous snakes, which are bad enough on land and almost certainly more nimble in the water.


It seems that there is always another surprising tidbit that comes across the wire that brings my fear of the sea to new heights - or depths, as it were. The ocean is nothing but trouble. Its tides, controlled by the moon, are as unpredictable as... well, as the tides. Its depths holds monsters, man-eaters and things that sting, yet we are drawn there by the shimmering of its waves in the sun and the pretty coral beneath the surface. Suckers, I say - immediately the lowest fruit on the food chain once we have entered its confines. We cannot breath beneath the waves, we are not equipped to swim quickly and we are bleeders - all of which define our place in the grand sea-scheme.

Now, we have snakes that inhabit the sea. Perfect.

Poisonous sea snakes - snakes even more poisonous than their landlubbing brethren. Lots more poisonous. I make it a point not to trust reptiles in general and even less those which have no legs or feet. Anything that slithers on the earth or in the sea should be avoided at all costs - time will bear me out on this one. It even states in the bible that serpents can't be trusted. I don't even believe in that book of fairy tales, but this particular piece of information makes perfect sense to me.

The ultimate irony here is that I have been awarded a trip to St. Thomas - apparently an island resort in the Caribbean, surrounded by ocean. I not only have my particular strain of skin cancer to deal with, but also my unconquerable fear of the sea to contend with on my trip. Will this stop me from going - I think not. I will be the one in the bar, slathered in 198 SPF sunscreen, wearing a beekeeper's suit, attempting to coax a mai-tai through one of those big straws.

I will also be the one keeping a tally on my peers who have been bitten, stung and devoured by the creatures of the deep - it's the least I can do.

Reason # 6452 Why to Avoid the Sea at All Costs - Meet the Wobbegong

This photograph only further solidifies my already stalwart belief that the sea is no place for fun and games. This is a shark eating another shark. That's how bad things are in the depths of the deep, dark, scary ocean. The sharks are eating their own. What you see here is a Bamboo Shark that is being drawn into the waiting, hungry maw of a Wobbegong shark, otherwise known as a "Carpet Shark". Even the name sounds predatory and duplicitous. Regardless of my tendency to mistrust and fear the Bamboo Shark, I almost feel sorry for the bastard when I see him being sucked face-first into the fierce jaws of the Carpet Shark. Apparently, upon investigation, it appears that the Bamboo Shark is not the most ferocious killer in the sea. From Wikipedia: "They are sluggish fish, feeding off bottom dwelling invertebrates and smaller fish..." Well, there you go. Perhaps the Bamboo shark should think about hitting the gym, laying off the sea-gin and try finding some larger prey that isn't simply littering the ocean-floor, where coincidentally, the Carpet Shark Lives. Incidentally, getting gobbled up by the Great Wobbegong is what you get for picking on invertebrates and smaller fish, you Goddamned shark-bully.

This is the Carpet Shark when it's not devouring a lazy, sluggish Bamboo Shark. Sure, sign me up for some snorkeling...

I have already warned you about great schools of poisonous, stinging jellyfish, man-eating sharks and many sundry predatory sea-creatures, unseaworthy vessels, kelp and other perils of the deep. I have not even yet gotten around to the Deadly Undertow, which is a sneaky sonofabitch, or tsunamis - the great conspiracy of the moon and the tides to wash us all out to sea and all the creatures that await there, jaws eagerly agape, to consume us.

The ocean is nothing but trouble, I tell you - the fact that it surrounds us on all sides and we can't even drink a drop of its beautiful blue water should give us our first hint that it is simply out to get us in the end. The second we dip our toes in the surf, the clock starts running - the lowest, slowest link in the oceanic food-chain has arrived and is here, gleefully splashing around like idiots - the oceanic equivilent of ringing the dinner-bell. So take your cute little skiffs and snorkels and surfboards, paddle off into the ocean's alluring azure waters and enjoy. Just remember, when you step on one of these Wobbegongs and get your legs bitten off, don't come running to me.