"My Best Friend" - Unusual Pets - The Skinny

I know, I know - "here goes Jerry again, bitching about animals..." But I simply can't help it when I see the bastards sneaking up on us from behind. They are out to get us and that's that. I saw a headline on Yahoo News about "Unusual Pets" and with a sense of impending doom, I clicked. Fortunately, there was not a lot of writing, just photos with brief descriptions - as horrific as they might have been. For example, the photo at left is a three year-old Cambodian boy curled up with his "best friend" - a thirteen foot-long python.


My first thought was "where are his parents?" and then my generally-flawless reasoning took over and I wondered "what kind of imbiciles let their three year-old cuddle with a 13 fucking foot-long python???" I can only hope that once this child has been crushed and devoured by his "best friend" that the folks do a good stint of hard-time in a Cambodian prison work-farm.

It has long been my opinion that we are only a toe-stub stumble on the sidewalk of life away from having our planet taken over by the beasts that surround us in wait. When people take animals from the wild and attempt to domesticate them and raise them in their homes, it is a clear-cut recipe for bloody, sharp-toothed disaster. I once watched back-to-back episodes of "Fatal Attractions", expecting to see Glenn Close naked and was instead treated to stories of hoarders of wild creatures being savaged and eaten by their lizards, snakes, lions, tigers and bears. I spent a long a week with a whip and light-weight, straight-backed chair by my bedside, lest I fall under attack by a wild lion as I slept. Speaking of wild lions, here is a potentially Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph of a questionable practice that will most certainly one day end in sheer misery:

Lion-Kissing - A very bad idea.

 

Regardless of the fact that by wearing that outfit and that big, ugly bow in her hair this lady undoubtedly deserves to be chewed to pieces by a ravenous beast, or that she was willing to lip-kiss an animal who eats nothing but raw meat (imagine the halitosis on that sonofabitch), we need to keep in mind that these animals are only our friends until their stomachs growl. After that, we are merely the slow-witted, low-hanging fruit that populates the "Food" portion of the "Food Chain".

 

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - "LEAVE THEM CREATURES BE". Enjoy your cat or dog, but realize that if you happen to die on your kitchen floor, these animals will eat your carcass, even if you were the benevolent master that taught them to fetch, roll over or shit in a box and fed them delightful treats from the palm of your hand. Go ahead and glance at your pet now, if you can and see if you catch them with the steely, cold, dead eyes of the predator in-wait before they notice you looking and give you the "where's my ball?" look. And for God's sake, leave the wild ones in the wild - bringing them into your home will only hasten the takeover.

 

In the meantime, here's a monkey shitting on a toilet. If it weren't for their superhuman strength and propensity to eat people's faces, I might want to get a monkey and dress it up in a suit and teach it to crap on the people-john. That's a good time.

 

Monkey shitting on the toilet - good times.