Planet of the Apes - Coming Soon, for reals!

I read in the news today that another monkey got out of its cage and wreaked havoc in a Florida neighborhood. It terrorized citizens and injured a couple of innocent passersby in its meanderings, tried to chew a satellite dish and jumped on a police car. This after several other monkey-based attacks in the past couple of years, one of which ended up with the chimp tearing off a lady's face, another with a man being pulled under a safety fence and dragged around the monkey compound for awhile.

When are humans going to learn that no matter how cute little monkeys look in tiny hand-made clothes, they are really not meant to be pets. For one thing, they are much stronger than humans and in many cases, also much smarter. Trying to coop them up in a cage in your rumpus room is only begging for a face-eating. Letting them sit on your shoulder or lap only gives them easier access to your face - don't do it. They're not to be trusted - not even the little ones...

God help us all if the apes ever figure out the ability to organize, like in the opening scene of "2001, A Space Odyssey" where the monkeys stumble onto how to use a bone as a club and hilarity ensues. Mark my words - once the light comes on in their cute little simian heads and they do the monkey-math on how much stronger they are and how much better climbers, it will be APEAGEDDON. They will not need to learn how to talk - we've all seen them mugging for the camera in the Little Rascals show; we know how expressive they can be - they will communicate even more rapidly than we humans do with words. Then they will scamper and terrorize with the revenge in their souls for decades worth of bad Tarzan films.

Monkeys should be left in the wild, where they can climb trees and swing by their tails and frolic in their indigenous environment. Though I cannot blame them for jumping on police cars, which would be a delight if we could get away with it, we should not let them loose in our urban neighborhoods for their frolicking. It always ends at best with a tranquilizer dart and more often a mauling or a face-eating. Apparently, monkeys go for the eyes first and then the genitals. Instinctively they want to blind you, then keep you from siring more enemies. Creepy.

So, in summary - if you want to be stubborn and keep a monkey as a pet, play it safe and wear a welding helmet and a cup. And don't let it sit on your shoulder or lap. Not even the little ones.